23.06.2002

feeling kinda

ambience courtesy of Los Lobos...

i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. not in any sort of ordered way, mind you. no theories have been formed, no grand conclusions reached. but i've been pondering. and in much the way i was inspired to clean up the living room the other day, i want to empty out those thoughts on paper.

i suppose it's come about in part because of the (very) recent wash of events. the single most touching wedding i've had the honor of attending, honoring the family of someone recently died, waiting for little schmoopies to be born, losing and gaining and struggling to make sense of friendships, remembering to touch base with family, being haunted by exes and hoping to connect with another someone... sheesh. *deep sigh* and that's just in the last month or so.

egads. that is a lot of crap to have happen, isn't it? maybe that's why i went all philosopical the other night. can't even remember what sparked this, but i have the idea that who we are, our being, personality, whatever you want to call it - the core of it, the seed, some essential nub of who we are is there from the beginning. yes, upbringing certainly has an influence on who you turn out to be, as do the choices you make, whether you wear the blue shirt on Tuesday, whether you decide to call Suzie back or not, the restaurant you go to next weekend, how you slept the night before... there are many external factors. but i don't believe that changes your core.

i deeply want and need to believe that's true. i need to, and you can color me naive, but it's the only way i can comprehend and make peace with lies and hate and violence. i cannot, will not choose to think that people willingly do evil.

understand, i'm not giving anyone a free pass; individuals are still responsible for their actions. but dear God in heaven, if the impulse is some unalterable part of your being, there from Day One, be it good or evil, then it's easier for me to wrap my brain around it and forgive.

the burden is mine
born with the obligation
to design real life connections
the gap is so wide

the struggle is like using epoxy to bridge a canyon
you gotta use both kinds - a catalyst and a resin
wait til it dries

it's all on my hands
can't touch nothing without becoming
i can't understand observing without interfering
with what i really am

Epoxy, for example by fIREHOSE

and then there are boys. *puffs at bangs in frustration* i started to tell the saga of Stupid Boy before getting sidetracked; suffice it to say, for now, that there were several subsequent chapters, one of which derailed a date i was on with someone else. there have been a few other less than stellar incidents. nothing disastrous, really, just nothing that panned out. dating and job hunting are pretty similar in that way - lots of effort in putting best foot forward, hoping they like you, and keeping your fingers crossed that they call you back.

"Ah the night...here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know to how I feel about you now
La Cienega just smiles..."see ya 'round"

-- Ryan Adams

i'm feeling deeply ambivalent about getting into any sort of relationship these days. part of me wants one, wants to be cared for in an 'i have your back' kind of way. and part of is is purely physical. i want to get all hot and sweaty the good way, not because i finally motivated to mop the kitchen floor! and i got socked with that in a big bad way after the memorial service, as if someone had whomped me in the stomach. if there had been a willing body, there would have been some action in the cemetary. (you - put your hand down! yes, you. you think i can't see you, but i know you have your hand up to volunteer. nice thought, but put your hand down and take two steps back. easy there, big fella...) i had an overwhelming desire to connect with some positive body energy.

and yet, a larger part of me is holding back. *stares off into the distance* the recent round of StupidBoy dates (okay, okay, there was one excellent booty call in the middle of all that) has only served to reinforce my lingering disappointment from previous relationships. and that's disappointment with both me and them. goddess knows, it's not as if i have the whole caboodle figured out - far from it.

but set that aside for a minute; let's say i've managed to learn something about myself in the process, and approach relationships with open eyes and a more level head. i hold out only a fading hope that i can find someone who has also learned. most of them, or at least the ones i happen to date, don't seem to be the sharpest knives in the block.

oh, hell. you know? it's not even that. i *have* met some excellent people. some of them even don't come with the entire suite of luggage. it's more that i can't set aside my own baggage. just when i think i've moved past my divorce and the painful breakup, it gets pushed back in my face. the exhusband calls for an annulment. suddenly, my fritz-free zone is gone. the ex calls, apologizing for being out of touch and suggesting we meet for coffee. and there is all that hurt and pain, right back in the open again. and i find that i haven't moved thru anything at all. i haven't learned a damn thing. i've just packed it away in a little box and tried (successfully, for the most part) to ignore it.

It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

-- Ryan Adams

*deep sigh* then, of course, there's the whole baby thing. i'm not even going to go into that. nope. nuh-uh. not here, not right now. but it's one more thing that's been hovering around the edges of my thoughts, pesting me away. look, lemme just say this about that - there's two months of laundry sitting on my bedroom floor. the whole floor. i vault into bed. is this the mark of a woman who could care for a small child? i'd lose him under the dirty socks, for god's sake.

and, and, and family, and thinking about caring for parents, continuing to grow and change that relationship, and watching friends take off down their own relationship path... like i said, no grand theories, no earth shaking discoveries. just a lot of pondering.

yesterday :: tomorrow