2000-12-17
feeling kinda
it's been an interesting weekend.
i went out friday to try to do some Christmas shopping, and managed to get maybe 2/3 of it done, then very nearly put my shoulder out trying to slog it all home. found some nice presents for people, and only a few for myself. *g* i got a few more ornaments for my little tree, which looks pretty cute now, if i do say so myself. i'll try to post up a picture of it sometime. the cats have been very good about not batting the low hanging fruit off the branches. and i really thought i'd get most everything wrapped when i got back, but instead i fell asleep on the couch, watching Iron Chef. at least i sorted thru everything and crossed people off the list, so inspirations wouldn't strike twice. but i ended up feeling badly about not getting more done. eh. clearly i needed the rest.
talked with mom on Friday, and got a little worried, because she had some of the same feelings as me about trying to get stuff done, feeling behind, and kinda blue about it. for her, it's a little harder, and she feels as if she's taken a few steps backwards. i told her not to be so hard on herself; the holiday season is always difficult, and with progress, there's bound to be a few slips back. i also told her i was really OK with not staying down there on Christmas, which was sort of true. well, i mean, it's true in the sense that i want her to be happy, and if she's not up for company, it's better that she say that and i'll respect it. on the other hand, it makes me kind of weepy to think that i might be homeless on Christmas. which, really, is just selfish. no... maybe not. my family is important to me, and i can't think of a single Christmas that i haven't seen them for at least some part of the day. three decades of sharing a holiday with the people i love... that would be a tough thing to miss. fortunately, my best friend and my honey have both invited me to share the holidays with them, so if it turns out that i'm around here on Christmas, i'll be able to spend the day with people i care about.
Saturday, i went to get a bikini wax before the parties. today's tip, boys and girls, is: never ever do something like that when you're aggravated or upset. because, truly, i could not relax enough for it to be less painful. my aesthetician did say, tho, that she always loves it when i come in, because i make her laugh.
i did a little more holiday shopping on the way up to the spa, and then got ready for the company party. or, at least, i tried to get ready. but i just lost my shit. i've been trying so hard all week not to let the ex-girlfriend bother me, and broke out the Patented Emotional Clamp-Down that is one of my family's finer skills. but the build up of worrying about my honey, my sis, my mom, and dealing with the hurt from the ex-girlfriend was just too much in the end. i called my sweetie and asked him to call me back, intending to tell him that i didn't think i could go to the party, and very nearly said that i didn't think i could see him anymore. fortunately, he was napping, and then the librium kicked in. sometimes, pharmaceuticals are our friends. by the time he called back, i was feeling a little more even keeled. but now he was freaked out, because i must have sounded like a nut case on the answering machine. i told him it wasn't important, and the tone in which he said "honey....??" said he didn't really believe me.
when he came over, i got all teary again, because he was wearing the claddagh ring i got him for his birthday a few years ago. i know he hates wearing jewelry, and was doing it for me. he asked what was the matter, and i told him i was having a hard time holding my shit together, and why. understandably, he wasn't keen to talk about it, because it could have gotten messy. but we did - we sat down on the couch, and he asked about each of the things bothering me, including the ex-girlfriend. it was the last topic, of course, altho as he said, he was just saving the best for last. *soft smile* i apologized for the timing, as he has quite a bit on his mind right now, and didn't really need much more. i told him that i see him trying hard to be neutral in a possibly confrontational situation, and part of me appreciates that it hasn't become a huge fight between us. i explained that how it feels to me is that he's saying it's OK for this woman to hurt me, that he doesn't really have a problem with it. i said that i may have been too keyed up this week to hear it, but i was pretty sure he didn't once say anything along the lines of 'that must really hurt', which is an acknowledgement of my pain, and not choosing sides. i explained that whether it was an accident or deliberate to have sent the nasty note, an apology should have been forthcoming, and hasn't been. and i acknowledged that by clamping down so hard on my feelings, i didn't really give him a whole lot to be working with, so he couldn't really have seen how upset i was.
the whole discussion was much less painful than i feared it would be. he apologized profusely for being insensitive to my feelings, and said that he could see that working to be neutral was backfiring. i did try to make it clear that i wasn't asking him to stop being friends with her, or to choose sides (altho of course, there are some things i would like to see change), only to explain what i'm feeling these days. the rest of this weekend, he's given me all kinds of love and support, and been quite verbal about how happy he is with where we are. it's been good.
we did make it to the company party after that. boy, what a dud. same room as last year, half the people. we booked out early and went to another party in the South End, which was nice. then we booked out of there when the shots started (see the Birthday entry to understand why this was scary), and went to the Gs for last call. someone there said that we looked really good together, and honey said that he liked hearing that.
today was all about the rest of the holiday shopping, and it was painful. my brain hurt a lot by the end of it. but chica and i got quite a bit done. phew.
it's been storming all day, with gusts of monsoon making it quite the adventure to be getting around. it was raining and blowing so hard at one point, that it rained in my ear. blech. and nicky, P's puppy, got very freaked out by the lightening and thunder, and came running upstairs, which she never does, and curled up on the bed with sweetie. it's got to be bad if she gets the heeby jeebies. but i just put new flannel sheets on the bed, and it's warm and cozy in here. so i'm just gonna curl up with my honey, and listen to the storm, and feel warm and safe with his arms wrapped around me.
