2001-05-11
feeling kinda
i got a nice compliment the other day, by way of a funny story. one of my friends said that he had been thinking about something i'd written, and remembered trying to write the great American novel (or something like that) some years ago. 'the way you use words, you use them like a brush to paint these wonderful pictures.' gee, thanks! 'with me, i used words more like a ball peen hammer.' hee hee.
of course, it's always wonderful to get feedback. but it did make me feel mildly guilty about not writing yesterday. it wasn't for lack of anything to say, certainly. it's just... i sat down at the keyboard, and nothing came out. my brain has been a huge mushy mass of silly string the last few days, while i try to sort some things out.
this snippet of lyrics from the Wallflower's I've Been Delivered keeps coming back to me:
I could break free from the
wood of a coffin
if I need
But nothin's hard as
Gettin' free from places
I've already been.
oh, so true... i try to look at my life, my mistakes, learn something, and move forward. not always possible; sometimes there just are no lessons. but movement, growth, absorbing ideas or paring away what isn't needed - this is how i try to live.
in an ideal world, it would always be forward movement. but we're not ideal, any of us. certainly not me, that's for sure. and often, i find myself caught up in a swirl of emotions that i thought had been packed away. or, as my rather snide Daily Affirmations list offers, 'On this day, I will look at my past mistakes and project them into the future.' sarcasm - it's a way of life.
so, i've been sitting with some new ideas. it's been rather roller coastery. i don't like roller coasters. still, there is a tingley appeal - you know, that adrenaline rush you get from conquering things that scare you?
oh, let's try that in a less elliptical fashion, shall we? i like living in my own skin these days. i feel more at home here than i have in a while. and it's easier choosing to act than react than it ever has been. the view is good from here. sometimes, tho, a little nugget of info comes along, or someone says something in passing, and it's like being whacked over the head while the rug is pulled out from under you. oh, and you're naked in front of a crowd. did i mention i've felt a bit off balance recently?
there are a lot of roles i've played in my life. some fit, some didn't. some i chose, both wisely and in error. a few were forced onto me, or at least that's how it appeared. i've made peace with some, regret others, and value the ones that remain. and now i have to reconsider.
it's a sign of how off kilter i feel that i've been casting my tarot cards lately. it's a great deck - Zen tarot. there are a lot of different beliefs about tarot cards. for some it's entertainment, for others part of a spiritual life. i see them as a tool to help see what's already there, and they're an especially useful tool when i feel like i do these days. it was reassuring to cast the Awareness card today. if you don't know the deck, here's part of the interpretation.
The veil of illusion, or maya, that has been keeping you from perceiving reality as it is, is starting to burn away. The fire is not the heated fire of passion, but the cool flame of awareness. As it burns the veil, the face of a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible.
oh, there are any number of ways you can read that. what i see: what is happening now is good, and positive. which parts are the veil and which parts are the buddha remains to be seen. but i was thankful to have thrown that card, today. i do think that if you ask nicely, you'll hear the words you need to find your direction. off kilter tho i may feel, i'm going to keep looking.
