the danish outpost
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the silence that is me


feeling kinda how a girl feels

i'm just a slug today. and my brain is seeping out my ears... i had all kinds of nifty ideas to write about, not too long ago. ::looks around desk:: dunno where they went. ::peeks under coffee mug:: but they seem to have made a clean break for it. and i'll admit i swiped the title for this entry from the album that's playing right now. that's how slow my brain is.

i'm starting to turn the idea of domain setup over and over, trying to see the structure of the new site. it's the way my brain works, such as it is. i have to be able to picture, in some way, the thing to be done. it's interesting to try to go the other way sometimes. sitting in a meeting the other day, i kept staring at what seemed to be an uninformative flow diagram. but the guy who put it together is qute smart, and i thought 'well, he wouldn't put this here just to fill space.' so i picked it apart and rebuilt it in words, trying to verbalize the idea behind the diagram. the idea that a picture is worth a thousand words? s'truth. i had about an inch of margin to summarize the data flow. i ran out of room, real fast. interestingly, i mostly got the theory behind it, too. nice to know that the synapses fire correctly once in a while.

very nearly killed my boss this morning. apparently i was being very fidgety while standing in his office talking. he started picking on me, so i decided to run with it, and did my version of the standard guy package check. he laughed, but then started coughing - you know when the cough just kind of grabs you by the throat and you don't know who's gonna win, you or the cough? like that. and i thought, this is it. it's the big one. i'm gonna accidentally off my boss. who knew that a little humor could be so deadly?

it's going to be a long day today, but a good one, i hope. not quite as long as it could have been - ChicaBeanie called this morning to let me know she was coming over to pick me up to go to the gym, and i just bleated 'migraine' into the phone, then crawled back under the covers. not quite sure what the deal is; i've had a lot of headaches recently. maybe i'm not getting enough fluids. ::scoots off to grab a (decaf) soda:: or maybe it's some change in my diet, or the weather, or the alignment of the planets... eh. not quite sure what to do, but i'm pretty over having this dull ache behind my eyes pretty much all day. so i've been at the office all day, actually getting some work done (surprise, surprise). and i'm giving the annual BC hockey game up in Lowell a pass tonite (sorry, guys!), and instead working down at the Orpheum - where the incomparable Van Morrison is playing. yee ha! let's hope he's having an 'on' night. from what i hear, he's kind of like Dylan - the good nights are really good, and the bad nights are atrocious. apparently, his featured guest is Jerry Lee Lewis's daughter, Linda Gail. i've liked some of his collaborative things before, especially the album with Mose Allison. so... it *could* be good. we'll see. and then i'm gonna see my sweetie.

i'm keeping my fingers crossed for him; both his grandmothers have been in the hospital this week. that's a definite kick in the slats. it doesn't sound like anything traumatic, but with older relatives, you always get a little whingey. our horoscopes today were very interesting. mine essentially said that i'd be cranky, short-tempered and very ... well, there's no way to show you, but the hand gesture you make to indicate that someone is very hardline, no fluff? sort of chopping your hand up and down. as opposed to the pretty pop tart girl... yes, there is a story behind that. it's a little too long to explain coherently, but essentially, it comes from a routine we saw on Comedy Central one night, and the guy was trying to get his dad to loosen up. anyhoo... here's the best bit from mine:

Don't criticize yourself mercilessly inside your head. You deserve better. There's an implied temporary insanity clause in today's emotionally scattered mutable planets T square, but you needn't use that as your defense for beating up on yourself. Whatever you've done in the past, you did the best you knew how at that time. Tonight pencil in a friendly meeting with your significant other and snuggle up. You need the hugs.

and his said, more or less, that he'd be up for some fun tonight. frankly, i just haven't gotten enough action lately. hopefully, that will change tonight. with any luck, we'll end up in the same groove, so to speak.

weah. you know, what i really need is a vacation. not a big long one, just a weekend, or three days maybe, not here. i want a change of pace. i want it to be okay to be indolent for a weekend. i want people to feed me and pamper me and clean up after me. i want to soak in a big ol' tub for an hour or so, and then slide into bed. it's all about indulgence, baby. i'm not sure if anyone has the time or inclination to go with me, and i'm not sure how important that is. what i really wanted to do was take a weekend in Newport with my sweetie the middle of next month. but for a host of reasons, this doesn't seem to be in the cards. and i thought about asking my best friend, but she's already off to Belize next month. rough life, eh? so... do i want to go on my own? hm. no, i don't think so. well, maybe. oh, i have no idea. ::throws up hands::

okay, so i don't want to go alone. i want my honey to come with me. but i want him to go because he wants to, not because i pushed him into it. he's got some money worries right now, which could be a stumbling block. i mean, i certainly have a little bit squirrelled away, and could treat. but money is a powerful force in a relationship, and handled badly, it can wreak havoc. and vacations have almost always been bad experiences for him, so he says. the last two women he was with essentially railroaded him into going places. it makes sense that he's carrying some of that forward, but, um... hello? newsflash: I Am Not Them. i'm hoping that at some point this weekend, we can talk about all this, he and me. his horoscope seems to indicate good things on this front:

You finally have the answer to questions about shared resources and intimate needs. You and your lover can sit down now and talk about important issues, without running away from deep feelings, or blocking the assertiveness that you've been working on recently.

so, we'll see. and it's important to talk it out, because it's not just vacations. it's about going to clubs, or museums, or the Wine Expo. i mean, i present these as things i've decided to do, and he's invited to come along. but there's still a level of discomfort for him. and while i love hanging out, ordering pizza, and watching movies, that's not all i want to do for a social life. and of course i can have a social life by myself, or with my other friends, which i do. but he's an important part of my life, and i want to have adventures with him, too. his reluctance bugs me the most when it comes to trying to plan a vacation or a weekend, but on some level, it's always there.

part of it comes from the kind of people we are. he just goes along with things, and i plan to the Nth degree. that's how we live our lives. this is all well and good, but it does introduce some tension into the relationship, when you figure that most people aren't all that crazy about giving up control. or, let's put that more neutrally: the balance should be nearly equal most of the time. of course there are times when i throw my hands up and lean on him, because i just don't have the reserves to get thru [insert crisis here]. and vice versa. but more often than not, it should be a partnership of equals. yeah, yeah... idealistic. how about this: a good relationship should play to the strengths of each. does that make more sense? i guess that's what i meant by balance. you should never feel as if you need to sacrifice one of your strengths to exist. actually, that's just generally true. oh, i'm waxing philosophical...

yesterday :: tomorrow

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*tap tap* hellooo?
i think i've been tricked
steely grey days
warm food for cold weather
the appeal of the broken boy

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