2000-10-03

feeling kinda

be warned: i have a migraine, my stomach is upset, and i tried to kill a co-worker today. and i want to rant some. if you want the good bits, skip to the end of this entry. kinda like i used to do with the books i wasn't supposed to read, like Judy Blume's Wifey. well, that wasn't really the *end*. it was just the good bits. skipping to the end only works with mysteries, and i never want to know the ending to those. altho, come to think of it, Ken Follet's spy novels had plenty of tasty bits...

i've been feeling pretty low lately. there's stress aplenty in my life these days, from a couple of different places. the job, of course. never wish a buyout and/or reorg on your worst enemies. and we've lost a few more people recently, thru a combination of corporate stupidity, in which they cut off their nose to spite their face, and employee self-interest when a better opportunity presents itself. so now i'm working with a much smaller team and having to pick up the as-yet undefined next major project. when it gets to the point that you keep someone employed just because they're a warm body, you know things are bad. and this particular warm body decided to defend himself the other day by raising his voice to me, which pretty much shut down the possibility of reasonable discussion. made me very uncomfortable.

then there's the trial stuff. check here if you missed that bit. wenchorama pled not guilty - big suprise (not). this means the whole damn process gets drawn out even longer, and there's a chance (a good one, i'd say) that i'll need to go into court and testify against her. either of her own volition or on the advice of her court-appointed legal lackey, she's going to draw this out as long as possible and make it as torturous as she can for me. and get this - she gets to choose the kind of trial! by judge or by jury. i ask you - why does she get to pick? i think i should, and i'm pretty sure that locking her in a small room with angry screaming weasels would constitute a trial by one's peers.

i hadn't realized how much i was expecting the pre-trial hearing to be the end of the ordeal until it wasn't. now, all the emotional stuff i had shut off is back in full, raging force. on the average day, i go thru feeling guilty, angry, violated, traumatized, responsible, nauseous, vulnerable, weepy, clingy and useless. more or less. i'm sure there's a few i left off the list. there's a constant courtroom scene playing out in my head, where i'm being judged by a jury of Catholic nuns in full habit, the defense attorney is the spawn of Satan, and i'm put in the witness box and beaten down in front of God and everyone to admit that the whole damn thing is my fault. which, rationally, i know it isn't. there's no excuse for her actions, and there's enough proof that she did it. *sigh* but hey... if that's the game she wants to play, then i'll play her damn game, and make her lose, too.

oh, yeah, i know what i left off the list - unsexy, uninteresting, and a bad friend. bad friends come in many shapes and sizes. the ones who suck all the energy out of your life and leave you a dried out husk of yourself are the worst, and unfortunately, that's the kind of friend i think i've been recently. my friends assure me that it isn't true, but i worry.

and my mom isn't well. the worst part is, we don't exactly know why/how she isn't well. my sibs and i are all at least an hour away from my parents, so we don't get too much first hand information. dad is doing as well as he can to help out, but it's hard to tell from his comments what the situation is. i'm tempted to call mom's doctors to understand the situation, if only to know that there really isn't anything we can do, which is dad's position. he may very well be right. who knows? and therein lies the problem. we don't know. compound this with distance, and it's doubly frustrating, because we don't really have the option to help with little things or even try to help with bigger things. argh! if you'd send her warm, healing thoughts, it would be most appreciated. seems like the only thing to do right now.

and now for the good bit, since i did promise one: the lobby in my building serves as a gallery for a local artists' collaborative. it's a pretty good size space, with the main lobby and the hall the length of the building. there have been some blah exhibits, and a few downright disturbing ones. the one that's there now is a treat for the eyes and the heart. funky, colorful, twisty metal sculptures of not much anything at all, just fun to look at, are in the lobby, and along the hall are a bunch of canvases - swoopy women figures, in a earth goddess kind of way, and big eyed cats, and forests and homes, all done in yummy, not pastel but calming colors. so for the next month or so, i have fun, happy, soothing art to look at when i walk in or out of the office building.

yesterday tomorrow