2001-04-29
feeling kinda
this month's collab for Just Another Collab: sometimes i...
Riddle Me This
sometimes i want the answers handed to me. sometimes i want life to be a little easier. sometimes, i want to truly understand what other people are thinking. and sometimes, i want it all to go away.
there is part of me that thinks there is an easier way to get thru this life than what i know. i suspect, some days, that there are people who know how it all works. i am jealous of them. for these people, their travels in this world are cushioned by their awareness of the answers. or their unawareness, perhaps. maybe it just appears easier from the outside because they are blissfully ignorant. is it possible that they do not question where their breath comes from? do they not care about the engine that drives this sphere, and by extension, us? maybe, for them, it is enough that there is milk for their coffee when they get up in the morning.
but i cannot live like that. naturally restless, inquisitive, and suspicous of the free lunch, i wonder. how is it that we are here? that i am here? deep in my soul, there is a loud cry. why? ah, such an unanswerable question, shared the world around. or is it?
i've been wrestling with faith recently. not Faith, in the organized, regulated sort of way. but faith. no scripts, no robes, just the trust that we should be here, that there is a purpose, and that it is possible to serve that purpose without understanding it. i want to know, i want to dissect and catalog and measure. but then i step out the door in the morning, and see the cluster of johnny jumps flowering in the wall along my driveway. the flowers just bloom. they don't seek out Freudian analysis. they do not agonize over timing, if they have come too late or too soon. they just are. and it is enough for them. sometimes, i think that perhaps that is enough for me as well.
