this month's collab for Interpretations: priceless.
the most priceless thing we can be given is the gift of friendship. it is at once intangible and the most solid part of our lives. it helps us through, buoys us up, gives us a place to laugh, and talk, and weep. it is the thing that makes life possible.
when a friendship really clicks, it's wonderful. you find someone with whom you share an outlook on life. you can talk about anything. and you do, often. you go for coffee, to find a new band, to see a movie. you play pool, drink beers, and create stories to share.
i have a few close friends. i can't imagine what my life would be like without them. i can call them at 2 in the morning, when i'm panicked, and they talk me out of that place in my head. they've called me at obscene hours of the morning as well. we've been thru divorces, job changes, and apartments. oh, the moving... this is how you know who your friends are. 8) they're the people who will schlep your stuff up and down stairs, in and out of truck, thru the rain and slush. and you do the same for them, always swearing loudly and not really minding. there's always pizza and beer and love (and ibuprofen, as we start to show the wear and tear).
we get aggravated with each other, my friends and me. it's not all roses. we've drifted sometimes. and then we've come back and said 'you know, that thing you said? i was really pissed off. here's why.' they're never easy conversations, but necessary. i'm blessed to have friends who will make that effort in order to stay in each other's lives.
i've been thinking about this a lot lately, as i work thru the remains of a friendship gone bad. no, wait. not gone bad. just gone. he and i just can't see eye to eye now. it's too painful for me to watch what's happening. i can't help, i can't do anything. i can't do anything except step back. i feel empty and numb. this is someone who has been part of my life for seven years. this being the small world that it is, we're sure to bump into each other. and i don't know how that will feel. to see someone who looks like the person i used to know, and have no idea where his head is these days, how the job is going, what albums he's listening to or books he's reading, what's happening with his family... it will probably hurt. or maybe i'll still feel empty. or maybe i won't feel anything. he'll just be another person.
and i can't put a value on this loss. there's no way.
in the CD player as i struggle with these thoughts: Push Stars.
I know it's late
But I needed to talk to someone
I've been thinking that
What if we never come back?
when you lose that much of your life, it's hard to feel as if you'll ever come back. that bit of you is gone. and it seems permanent. it's not about trust, so much, but that's part of it. part of it is not wanting to start from scratch all over again, having to explain who you are to another person and learning what makes them tick. at a point like this, i think that maybe there are a finite number of friends we have the energy to make in our lives. it feels like i've used up one of my nine lives.
and yet here's the amazing thing about the human spirit: we do try again. we do get that priceless gift of discovering another person who shares the same twisted sense of humor and love of arcane information. and then, before you really realize what's going on, here is that new person who has become a friend. and the empty place for the old friend is still there. but you've stretched a bit, and found room for someone else. and life has its own balance, humming right along.