2000-11-14
feeling kinda
or, more accurately, there is some part of me that can't stand the responsibility, the chores, and the routine.
i've managed to paint myself into a little corner, because i've reached a point where i just don't give a shit about my job. there was a point where i liked my job a lot, but right now it doesn't seem satisfying or meaningful. so i've been late a lot, or just not gone in. i've stayed up really late, sometimes getting really tipsy, and slept right thru the alarm. i spend a lot of time just goofing around in the office. today was the final straw, as i found it very difficult to peel myself out of my freshly made, flannel-sheeted bed, and was hideously late. i've managed to get myself put on the equivalent of detention.
after we talked about this, i went back to my desk and just sat there, mentally screaming at myself, and trying to find a way to skeez out of the situation, as i usually do. after a little bit, the argument in my head calmed down, and instead of getting angry at myself, i tried to figure out why i did this. i'm still not really clear on it, but as far as i can figure, i've subconsciously been craving some kind of kick in the pants to get motivated again. not really sure why it had to come to this, instead of me just deciding to get over it, but there you go.
i stopped by my boss's office a little later to offer him an apology. he started to say he wasn't the enemy, and i said i didn't see him as the enemy at all. i feel badly for having put him in what has to be a miserable situation. being a manager is difficult enough job without the hard bits. and we're friends, on top of that. so, an apology, which he seemed to appreciate. i rather think he was expecting the polar opposite reaction.
y'know, i remember when i first started working after college - if i overslept then, i'd panic and rocket out of bed, terrified of losing my job. where did all that panic go? can't remember the last time i felt that responsible about showing up on time. which is odd, because i'm usually pretty damn punctual for things.
well, since i seem to have needed to create this situation, let's see what good i can get out of fixing it. maybe i'll get to the point where being an adult doesn't suck quite so much.
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so here's the amusement for the day: online magnet poetry. oh, this could kill several hours. 8)
talked to my sister last night, and she caught me off guard by saying she was glad i called, since she didn't know if she should have called to check on me. this baffled me completely. turns out, she remembered that this past Sunday would have been my wedding anniversary. go figure! i had totally forgotten it, and even had to work at trying to figure out when it was. it's just not an important date for me any more. now, April 1st, the day the divorce was final (i kid you not) - that's a memorable date. actually, i shouldn't block the anniversary date, as it's also my grandmother's anniversary, and i really should have called her or sent a card. (slaps self on wrist - bad granddaughter!)
hey, here's an interesting exercise: try this the next time you walk down the street. try to identify the sex of the person walking in front of you. even if you can't see their face, i'd bet you can still identify male/female nearly 100% of the time. of course, some of them are blatantly obvious. not too many guys wear mini-skirts. but how about in the winter, when someone in a parka and jeans is walking ahead of you? you can probably still guess correctly. it really got me to thinking about how we perceive people, and how deeply ingrained (subconscious) it is to quickly key in on certain flags, something as subtle as the way someone moves their hand or their gait.
i was trying to get my laundry all done last night, and kept going out into the back hall to get to the basement, which intrigued the cats to no end. so i finally gave them a little treat - i closed the basement door and let the cats come out into the back hall to explore. it was fascinating to see them cautiously peering around corners, sniffing every little thing, and looking very much like kittens again, with that 'oooh my, what a big scary world!' look on their faces. grey cat was much bolder, pattering all the way over to the back door, while white cat looked like he thought someone was going to yell 'boo!' any second now (altho he did make it to the top of the stairs). love my kitties.
