2000-09-21
feeling kinda
while the legal front is progressing well, i'm still having a rough time with the emotional outfall. it's hard for me to stay home, because being alone makes me a little wiggy. it's upsetting not to be able to hang out in my own house in peace. and i haven't had to deal with the bogey monster in years; he's taken to making regular late night appearances in my head. (showings nightly! whoo hoo!)
it's gotten really bad the last few nights, in terms of creepy dreams, several layers deep. you know when you think you've woken up from your bad dream, only to discover yourself in another, even worse dream? i woke up from one, screaming and shaking, and went to hunt for the phone, only to remember that i had left it in the living room. but then, mysteriously, the phone appeared on the bed. when i reached back to turn on the light so i could dial, assault bitch had crept in and crouched down between the end of my bed and my bookcase, so all i could see was the top of her head. keep in mind i thought i was awake, so this was especially bad. in my infinite somnabulent wisdom, i tried whacking the top of her head with the cordless phone to make her go away. given the weight of the phone, this could only annoy anyone. fortunately, i really woke up from that dream.
so i've developed a few coping mechanisms. one is building a little phone tree of friends who will call to check on me later in the evening, or be available to talk when i freak out and need to call. another is staying late at work. i've also taken to sleeping with the light on. can anyone explain why that works? you sleep with the light on, no bad dreams. you sleep with the lights off, you spend the night running away from godzilla. why is that?
i've also spent a fair amount of time going out to a few of my hangouts, or visiting with friends. this, i have to say, is a positive thing, because i've had some lovely moments. went out sunday nite to the g's to do some reading and hear live jazz. ended up sitting at the long wooden bar, soaking in candlelight, jazz playing, thinking about nina simone's devastatingly beautiful version of porter's 'little girl blue' ... smokey horn notes hanging in the air ... feeling calm, relaxed, happy.
had been debating if i wanted to go to the courthouse on monday to hear the trial proceedings. but after yesterday's elevator experience, and considering that my presence/absence will not affect the outcome one way or the other, i think i'll give this one a pass. after all, every time i see her or think i see her, i want to throw up. well, not *want* to throw up... more like, can't control the gag reflex. and since i'm not too keen on hurling in a public place, maybe i should just call over in the afternoon to see what happened.
on a different note... i've been reading jon stewart's Naked Pictures of Famous People. ah, my perfect boyfriend - always makes me laugh. 8) my fave so far has been his distillation of judaism for the new millenium, since we all have short attention spans these days. comes down to two rules: Ass, gas, or grass, no one rides for free. and, Be cool.
works for me.
