the danish outpost
updated when time and inspiration allow. latest and greatest always in the blog.
Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell? i've got it beat.


feeling kinda how a girl feels

nice moments this afternoon. had an unexpected visit from my sweetie, grabbed a bunch of magazines (aka brain candy) on the way home, and indulged at Mickie D's, complete with shake. serendipitous moment at the video store - bumped into Bob, and chatted for a few minutes. he said he was off to get a video, and i said i was thinking of getting The Italian Job. 'oh! you can't. they don't have it.' huh? 'it's on my coffee table at home.' now, what are the odds that someone else would have out an obscure Michael Caine film, that i would know them, and that i would bump into them at the store? slim, i think. 8)

all in all, far better than yesterday, or even this morning. i was sidelined by a major migraine yesterday. lemme tell you - if you wish evil on someone, do not wish them a slow death. wish them a migraine.

migraines run in my family. seems that all the women on my mother's side get them. mom got them when we were growing up, and she really suffered from them. medications then weren't what they are now, and she was often out of commision for a few days. as a six year old, i didn't really understand what was wrong. i just knew that mom was in a lot of pain, and we had to be Very Quiet. i'd try to help by bringing her juice and saltines, but even that seemed to hurt more than help. so we just learned to stay out of the way, turn the phone off, and do quiet things like read or color.

when i started getting them myself, it didn't seem that bad. it was some odd sort of badge of courage that i could flaunt at tech rehearsals. i could stoically soldier thru lighting set, brushing off the concerns, and collapse dramatically in the green room afterwards.

then they got serious. if you've never had a migraine, they differ for everyone. but here's a small taste. at first, you just feel a bit off. you can't really put your finger on it, so you keep working, or doing whatever it is you're doing. maybe you're just tired. gradually, noises become louder, and it seems like someone has ratcheted up the lights. you ask people to repeat the simplest of sentences, because you don't quite get what they're saying. they look at you oddly, and patiently repeat that they're going for coffee, and would you like some? you shake you head no, carefully, because you're a little dizzy. you retreat to your desk, and wince every time the phone rings. eventually, someone points out that you look a little pale. is everything okay? no, it isn't. your eye begins to feel as if someone is sticking a sharp awl thru it, all the way to the back of your skull. you start to realize that Things Aren't Right, and if you're lucky, you can duck out and go home.

when you get there, you look in the mirror and see some wan version of yourself, with eyes dilated. you gulp down your meds, and crawl carefully into bed. it seems as if your neighbors have rented elephants. every car driving past your place sounds like it's driving thru your living room. you shut off all the lights, and pray that the cat doesn't decide to walk across you. he does. it's like an earthquake. your skin hurts, so much that even brushing one knee against the other while shifting around makes you flinch. you debate getting up to take a sleeping pill, and decide that the act of standing up would require Herculean efforts beyond your capabilities just then. you pray for a swift death, because it would be preferable. with luck, you sleep.

and then you are bone deep tired for another day or so. it takes some time for your brain to come back up to full functioning speed. you don't get jokes, because it takes some effort just to follow the words. you make basic mistakes, and have to check your work a few times, to make sure it's okay. food is still a foreign concept. and energy levels? rock bottom. the sun still doesn't seem like a gift, more some obscure form of torture.

that's been my last two days. the migraine was in full flare when i got up, and i managed to call my boss to say i wouldn't be in. also called my best friend, as we were supposed to go to the gym. managed to bleat into the phone 'migraine. home. sorry.' she mumbled something in between all those words. ;) i'm sure it was sympathetic, but i don't really remember. in retrospect, it was kind of a funny conversation. at the moment, i just felt pathetic. looking back at what my mom might have been dealing with, raising three kids and getting migraines that lasted for several days, i'm amazed that we all came thru it alive.

so the small pleasures this afternoon meant that much more. i should be able to sleep tonight without hating the cats for breathing in the same room. i can actually sit and write an entry (hallelujah!). i should be able to focus long enough to watch The House of Mirth, with Gillian Anderson. and i keep my fingers crossed that the last of the migraine will vanish. note to self: call doctor about new meds. i've fought taking a daily med for some time, because generally you don't want to have more stuff in your system than absolutely necessary. but damn. if that's what it takes to not feel like the slime on the bottom of a steam roller, lemme at it.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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steely grey days
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the appeal of the broken boy

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