2001-07-05
feeling kinda
oh. mi. god. men make me crazy. especially when they're acting like boys.
i had dinner at Casa Bs tonight, and n___ was there. i hate n___. i don't hate people much; i get mad at their stupidity, but i don't hate. mostly, i just go my own way. him, i hate. his mere presence gives me the creeps. he is oily, in the masculine piggy sense. he's a little man with beady black eyes and Gary Cooper ears. by extraction and upbringing, he absorbed sexism to the bone. and he just doesn't get it.
i used to play it down, the hatred, and be the polite WASPy girl. n___ is a friend of a friend, and i didn't want to offend our mutual acquaintance. but gradually, i lost the ability to be neutral. to those of you who know me well, this should come as exactly no surprise. our mutual friend is pretty even keeled; if he took offense, there wasn't much i could do, but i doubt it would bother him much. he's pretty much a live and let live kinda guy.
n___ not only goes to some of the same parties as me, but he works (worked?) in my office building. he keeps surfacing at odd moments, like that cold sore you just can't kick. and for whatever reason, he keeps trying to ingratiate himself with me, in his own special weaselly kind of way. my face doesn't hide much, so i don't understand this. he must know i don't like him. does he take it as a challenge? i doubt he's trying to make amends. it's not as if we had words. he just makes my skin crawl.
this is how bad - he offered me a ride home one night. i was out with stu, and n___ was with his girlfriend. i could have sat in the back seat while he drove. but i had this image of hands like octopus tentacles swarming themselves back and suckering themselves all over me. instead, i cadged a rental car from G, a guy i'd met not three hours before, and drove frenchy and myself home, tipsy and in open back heels. it seemed safer. did i mention i'm night blind?
when i run into him at parties now, i find one of my friends and assign them interference. no matter what else they do, it is their sacred duty to keep him away from me. and this works pretty well.
unfortunately, i was friendless tonight. i had popped into Casa Bs for a quick dinner before meeting up with some friends. drew greeted me with a bright smile and set me up with the special, and i settled in to do some reading. at some point, i glanced down the bar to see who i might know, and there he was. i studiously refused to make eye contact, but all the same, he kept watching me and eavesdropping when i chatted with the woman next to me. he was with a group of friends, so i thought i might be safe.
i was wrong.
i got so engrossed in some article that my radar was down. i didn't sense him coming up behind me. suddenly, there was a hand, briefly, on the small of my back - a light, glancing touch, one that assumes intimacy. and a voice in my ear - asking how i was, by name. i turned, pleased that s___ stopped by to say hi and was brutally shocked to find not s___ but n___ right there, in my face. i literally couldn't answer him, he had caught me so off guard.
he assumed that i was alone (true) and without plans (not true). why wasn't i at my regular gig? (none of your business.) he was thinking about heading out there (bully for you) and did i want to join him? (visions of squirmy tentacles raced thru my head.) no, i carefully explained, i told you i have plans. he seemed perplexed, and didn't understand how it was i could be here if i had plans. was i sure i didn't want to join him? (pound salt.) no, thanks. he bowed out, gracefully for the situation, and went back to his seat at the other end of the bar. and i dropped my head, eyes closed, exhaling tension, grateful that he was gone.
how is it that he can be so oblivious? what is it that he wants? and why does he think he'll get it from me, whatever it is? gah! i really, really hate to fall back on the Y chromosome theory, but i'm at a loss. i really just don't get it. how is it that he can't see that we can't communicate? i can't find any way to find common ground with this guy, and i don't want to, either. he really can't be missing that. so what is it? really and truly, if you have any ideas, please let me know. i think i can figure people out, sometimes off the bat and sometimes after a little work. we all have a lot of the same motivations - we want affection, money, adoration, and safety, in varying combinations and amounts. but he isn't going to get any of those with his persistence. he's only going to get more hatred.
is it possible that some people are motivated by the negative? is it possible that he knows he's pissing me off, and he likes to feed into that? could he possibly be getting some sort of warped thrill out of all this? because honestly, that's all i can see.
if that's true, in any way, it just baffles me. there is enough dislike and contention in the world without seeking out more. why on god's green earth would you want to foster that? then again, i don't understand the deep seated hatred that fuels larger situations, like the Troubles in Ireland. maybe, somehow, possibly, n___ is waging his own version of the Troubles in his universe.
but that seems like a facile and weak theory. i don't get it. i may never get it. i just hope he stays off my radar screen for a good long time.
