04.03.2002
feeling kinda
i stayed home today, napping on the couch and watching the History Channel. it was really odd to be exhausted again, since i'd done pretty well over the weekend. but there it was again - i was far too tired to get up, and the sensation of flannel sheets on skin made me incredibly happy. at first, i thought i was going to be able to go in late. but as the morning wore on, i realized i couldn't get to the shower.
and that's even stranger. i love showering. i love the steam heat, standing under an almost unbearably hot shower, and just meditating. i like running the shower for a few minutes to warm up the tub, and then stepping into the warmth. i like contemplating which conditioner i want to use and the silky feel of smooth hair; my hair is long enough now that i can actually run my fingers thru it. i like looking out the window at the little square of sky and considering what the day will be like. and yes, i'm girly enough to have a half dozen different body soaps, so i can choose the color and scent that matches my mood that morning.
but i don't have any that have matched my mood these days, because they generally don't make them in black. and even promising myself an extra five minutes in the shower, which is generally a pretty good motivator, hasn't done a damn thing for me lately. i don't want to get up, i don't want to be awake, i don't want to have any responsibilities, i don't want to be an adult.
and that's what it comes down to - i don't want to be an adult, because i feel like such a fake. it doesn't make any sense to me that i get up, shower and dress, make myself look presentable, get in the car, go to work, and sit at a desk pretending to be a grownup. does that make sense? do you ever feel like that? do you ever have days where you can't fake your way thru, where you crawl back under the covers because noone can challenge you there?
here's what i did last night: i stopped at the drug store on the way home, to pick up refills for my lint roller. they didn't have any in stock. instead, i bought myself a 3D ViewMaster and the disks from Monsters Inc., and a thousand piece puzzle. it took me a long time to decide what color ViewMaster i wanted - red was okay but too ordinary, and the orange was rebellious enough but i didn't really like it. after 10 minutes, i looked up and found a blue one with a green switch that someone had tucked in the wrong place, on top of the divider. i was deliriously happy, because it was Just The Right Color, and the night got better. i went home, looked at all the pictures and told myself little stories to go with them, and then started on the puzzle.
here's what i didn't do last night: take out the trash. do my laundry. sweep up the kitchen. wash my dishes. pay my bills. call my mom. write to my gram.
do you see why i feel like a fake?
