28.09.2001
feeling kinda
we had a memorial service in the office today for our two coworkers who died at the World Trade Center, and it really was wonderfully done. karl, who always seemed to be the son of a preacher man to me, came back to lead the service. lots of people spoke; one of the men read the lyrics of a song whose chorus had the line 'choose to dance'. we used a small area upstairs that used to be sort of a lobby for a few offices; the way it was set up made it feel much more personal. there were candles and flowers, songs, readings, testimonials - and people from every part of the office life came. there were friends, coworkers, former coworkers, people from the office downstairs, one or two people from the security staff... just everyone. it was sad, but nice to acknowledge all that these two people gave to those that they knew.
we sat around having lunch afterwards and talking about how things have changed. one thing that came up was the fact that we all keep getting stuck on how to refer to that day. do we just call it by the date? does it have a name? calling the events the World Trade attack isn't fair to the others who were killed or hurt - that diminishes the impact felt in Washington and Pennsylvania. and it isn't just about the locale. people around the world have been touched in one way or another by this.
eh. and some part of me just wants to stop worrying.
life goes on, you say? there's plenty else that needs to be done? this shouldn't take up all your mental space? right. well, easier said than done, especially given the media saturation these days.
and there's been plenty in my own life that i've been worrying about, on a small scale, even when things sound like they're moving in a good direction. i heard from my friend who's been in a bad place, mentally, lately. he sounds better. strike that - he sounds safe. better is a wholly subjective term. but he sounds safer than he has. he's reaching out, it seems, to friends and family, letting them know what's going on and checking in. it's comforting to see him working on a network of support.
there have been a slew of smaller things, too, and i feel like tearing my hair out, often (what little of it that's left, that is). tanya has been a great support and sounding board in all of this. thank you, hon. :) and she sent me a goofy picture of the cats today that made me giggle. glass top coffee table, one cat on top, one underneath, and much peering. heh. wonder if they tried to bat at each other thru the glass.
part of the stress, of course, comes from work. some of the humor does, too. one of the managers started picking on me when i came in today, asking if they weren't worth me dressing up every day (as i had been in High Professional Mode yesterday. i just looked at him for a minute, and then explained that heels make me Cranky. now, i *could* dress up for the office everyday, and come in cranky off the bat. *or* i could wear sensible shoes, get my coffee, and at least give them a fighting chance. he laughed, and agreed that sensible shoes made much more sense. and when he thought about it, he has a pair of dress shoes that make him unhappy, too. so he got it.
maybe that conversation is where the '0 to bitch in 2.5' came from. i definitely remember the phrase from some point today. or maybe someone else said that when we were talking, and it just clicked in with the first story. in either case, i do *not* have the T shirt. ;)
and then there's just plain stress in the office, which has destroyed what few filters i have left. we were finishing up a meeting on the project status, and one of the managers, who is far too low key for his own good (i think) said that he was getting worried. 'good, you should be,' i snapped. eep - whoops. while that is true, perhaps i could have been a tad more diplomatic about it.
i suppose having a lot of weird dreams right before you get up doesn't help. i can't even remember all the details, except for Larry Pratt showing up in one of them. he's someone i knew in high school, and haven't seen since. i have no idea where that one came from.
and i'm not the only one feeling it. i was talking to dan about relationships this morning, ranting abut Sailor Boy. i dumped Sailor Boy, because i haven't got the patience to deal with bad anger management skills. i don't know which part of 'lose my phone #' he didn't get. grrr. anyway... Penn came by later to say that he was feeling dumped, too. his boss just left for a new job, and it's hitting him harder than he thought.
on a better note - bill is starting to get leads on a new job. and that's nice. he's also now ash blonde. it's a good change, i think, but takes a little getting used to. he was worried that greying hair was working against him in interviews (in this job market, a reasonable concern). so he dyed his hair. i had tried to get him to go the Manic Panic route, but he was having none of that. gee, i wonder why? ;) anyway, it looks good, and he's feeling a little better now that some leads are coming in.
perhaps in response to stress and general overload (as opposed to major chaos), i find myself getting into a music groove lately. i've been going out to see more live music than normal, and making plans to see lots more. it's hard to decide between some options - i mean, Denis Leary (i know, i know, not music) or Ellis Paul? there's an embarrasing wealth of musical riches here in town. and what's a girl to do? :)
