the danish outpost
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feeling kinda how a girl feels

today is the day. stanz is too weak to make it to the litter box, or move after she pees. i thought i'd have to take her to the regular vet, but the Visiting Vet called this morning. she has a cancellation. 1 pm. .:thank you:. i'm spending the last few hours with stanzi, telling her how much i love her.

for those of you who may not read here regularly, i've been trying to come to terms with my older kitty dying. each and every one of you has made the process easier, even if i haven't talked to you directly about it. you've all been there, in one way or another. (p - i've been listening to your Dances and Demons New Years mix this week.) i've drawn strength from each of our friendships.

stanzi died at 1:15 today. i had the great good gift of letting her go peacefully, at home, in my arms. i'm grateful that she was able to go hearing my voice, and feeling my touch.

when i signed up to be a pet parent, i knew i would have to do this someday. i dreaded the thought that i might decide too early, or for the wrong reasons.

each of you - each and every one of you - has helped me. when i let her go, i knew it was time. it still hurts. but. but i'm grateful that she doesn't hurt anymore. thank you. ((hugs)) thank you.

and if you would - please hug someone or some pet that you care about. it's the best thing we can do.

Chica: thanks, honey. i know it cost me an arm and a leg and i woke you up from your nap, but it meant the world to be able to talk with you today. it really helped.

Penn: you may not think you did anything, just stood around. your presence alone was a balm. thank you.

the end, when it came, was painless. the vet is fantastic, as you know. and i had spent several hours on the kitchen floor with stanz, just talking and stroking her gently, talking about how she came in to my life, and moments we've shared. she died in my lap, hearing my voice and feeling my touch.

the vet snagged a few whiskers, and when i went to put them in the box on the altar, guess what i found? all the stars from my friends' wedding invite! it's a good sign, i think, that her lucky whiskers are nestled in gold stars.

as hard as this was, and as much as i know it will continue to suck, i'm glad the stars aligned (briefly) so that i could let her go now, at home, when she could still hear my voice. and it was remarkably easier than i thought it would be to nestle her in the carrier for the vet to take. it's the same carrier i've had since she was a kitten. felt right to send her off in that, with a clean warm towel to rest on. and i tucked her paws under her head, so she'd be comfortable.

if there's a kitty heaven (and i think there is), i know she's up there now, blissfully released from all the pain and ache of the last few weeks, finally able to roam around and chase birds and sit whereever she wants. i'm hoping they had a tiara and some sugar cookies waiting for her when she got there. i think that's the least they could do, don't you?

and i told her all about my cats, tuffy and lucky, and about mr. zig. i hope she'll find them, and say hi for us.

funny, so many people have said you need to be strong to do something like this. doesn't feel that way. it's just what you need to do to look out for the pets you care about. i thanked her for sharing 14 wonderful kitty years with me; and truly, i do feel blessed to have lived with her. she was my first baby, and will always be my pretty girl. always, forever and a day.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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