2001-05-25
feeling kinda
mmmm. yum. worked the Robert Plant show tonight at the Orpheum. yeah, baby. that man is sex on a stick, no joke. he came out in a flowy red silk shirt and black leather pants (Lay-thar Paahnts!, says the Greek tailor, slapping his thigh for emphasis), and black suede shoes. and he looked awesome. okay, so he's not exactly at fighting weight anymore. but daaaammmmmn... i wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. 8)
he did a collection of really interesting covers and (natch) some Zep songs. oooo. yum. :insert little happy dance here: and it seemed like he was shy, which was odd and touching.
am i getting jaded about shows? it kind of feels like i am. i mean, this is Robert *Plant* we're talking about. i sort of half expected some euphoric high just seeing him. and i was excited. really. but... it was enough just to see him. oh, feh. it's late, and i'm tired and lonely, and maybe i just wish he'd picked me out of the audience. that would make a good story, eh?
part of it, i think, is having to actually work the show. you see it in a different way. you watch the audience just as much as the performer, and you have to deal with the people you work with, which has its own politics. i say that like it's bad. it isn't, really. well, there are a few that are starting to annoy me. i got myself moved to a different position because there's one usher who is the most complete waste of oxygen i've ever seen, and i just can't tolerate even working *near* him, let alone with him. and apparently i have 'fresh bait' written across my forehead. oh, wait. across my chest. there are no fewer than 5 guys who have given me phone numbers. the corker (so to speak) was the one tonight who offered to let me borrow his beach house. except then it became clear that he was part of the package. 'i have two bedrooms, so we could, you know, just go for breakfast.' go for breakfast? when did that become a euphemism for 'i want to get in your pants'? gah. and he's older than my dad. not that i have an issue with age, really, but ick.
the thing is, it threw me so much that all i could do was be polite. you ever have that happen? you're thrown by what someone says or does, and you just mm hmm and yes them to death to get them out of your face? hrmph. perhaps i was raised too much of a nice girl. i do know it's okay to say no. i say it a lot. but right then, all i could stammer was 'um... thanks!' (false bright voice). feh. now, of course, i know that i should have said 'yeah, my boyfriend and i would *love* to come visit!' that would have killed it right there. once again, the snappy retort comes three hours too late.
all that being said, most of the people i work with are cool. and there were more than enough of us there tonight that it was an easy night to work.
then i had to scoot home, because this is the weekend i'm dog sitting for frenchy's greyhounds. the dogs are both in the other room right now, sacked out on the bed, waiting for me to finish writing. they're been very well behaved for me so far (knock on wood). it was kind of odd flying solo with them for the first time this afternoon. i know the dogs, and they know me, and i've helped frenchy walk them before. but i've only ever taken one of them. lemme tell you, there is a *world* of difference between 80 pounds of dog testosterone and 160 pounds. king very nearly took me down the stairs with him when we went out to walk tonight. 8)
it's odd, but i was hyperaware of who i was when i was walking them. it's a new role, doggie caretaker. got me to thinking again about boundaries, which i wrote about the other day.
when i'm alone, my boundaries are close in. even if it's alone in a crowd, they're close and closed. paradoxically, that allows me to be more open in some ways. i can watch, observe, and absorb.
but when you take on a new role, things change. or, even more than that, when you open up to another person... the boundaries, both physical and emotional, are more open, but i find that my powers of observation shut down. i haven't found a way of being with others that doesn't in some way diminish me or them. when i open up my emotional boundaries, i become less the person i want to be and instead see myself from the outside, as i think they see me or expect me to be. and i stop seeing them for who they are, rather as a puzzle that i need to fit into. i should be able to balance that with what i already know about myself, but i can't. so i pull back. and it seems selfish, but then again in some ways allows me to give more by having that little remove.
take tonight, for example. the guy i like was also there. and i was always aware of where he was, wondering if he was seeing me too. when i was down front, dancing in the aisle, i wasn't dancing for me, just cutting loose and feeling the music. he was standing behind me part of the time, and i couldn't shut that out. eh... i'm not finding the right words for this. it was a little awkward, in a way, because i felt like i was performing. and that's all about my brain, my exhibitionist tendencies, my desire to please and be accepted... oh, very complicated, and i need to think about this more.
i'm starting to see the appeal of the monastic life, sparse and serene, with its very clear delineations. or even just travelling alone. i love to travel by myself. without having to carry the awareness of one other, i can put my energies out in every direction, and have it returned, in a bounty of sights, smells, tastes, an immersion in 'other'. maybe i should pick up and take off for a week or two. just to regenerate.
:giggle: or maybe i need to come down off this caffeine and sugar high, and get some sleep.
