2001-03-17
feeling kinda
well. there you have it. i'm single.
the conversation that's been brewing for about a month finally happened last night. earl and i bumped into each other night before last, and he had invited me out to dinner. i hesitated, and said i'd call him to let him know. when i called him, it somehow all came tumbling out. we went to dinner all the same, and had the rest of the conversation when he dropped me off at home.
the details don't even matter. i'm just incredibly sad right now. i thought we had great potential as a couple, and he walked away. the thought of our relationship lasting scares him, and he's gone. perhaps i shouldn't have joked around about giving my boyfriend up for Lent.
i miss him. i miss him so much. and the fact that we want to stay friends doesn't change that. i miss the loving partner who has been such a large part of my life for two and a half years. i miss the emotional connection, i miss our relationship, i miss kissing him, i miss the way he smells, i miss his touch. i miss my boyfriend.
the saddest part, to me, is that we still love each other. there isn't anyone else, we don't hate each other, he doesn't want to find someone better and neither do i. he just can't take our relationship any more seriously than he does. and i want it to last. wanted it to last. and it didn't.
i was pretty okay last night, in part because we've both been talking our way to this point for a while. it wasn't a suprise, and really is pretty amicable, as much as partings ever are. i slothed out on the couch, and got Gladiator on pay-per-view. very nicely, they showed it in letter box format; the battle scenes just wouldn't have been the same if they'd lopped off the ends. of course, i have a smallish TV, so the further back they panned, the more i had to squint to see what was going on. it wasn't a bad film. the neatest part, i thought, were the scenes in the reconstructed Coliseum. seeing what the complete building might have looked like, and how it fit into a bustling city at the time, was fun. appealed to the anthropologist in me. and i didn't have much trouble falling asleep. but when i woke up this morning, i just lay in bed crying. odd; sadness usually catches up to you more often at night. not this time. waking up alone, knowing that i'll be waking up alone for a long time, that he's just not going to be there anymore, hurts.
::sigh:: so, i'm stumbling thru my days, sort of at a loss as to what to do with myself. nothing seems very interesting. i'm reading a bit, here and there. i'll probably get a few projects around the house done, projects that have been on the list for a while. i should finally get my act together about getting DSL, and work on the new site. maybe i'll go visit my sis, since i haven't seen her new abode yet. Easter is coming up, so i'll get to see the family. that'll be hard, going down there as the spinster aunt, the single sibling. not that any of them will rub that in my face; on the contrary, i've got a very supportive family. but in some ways that makes it even harder. i don't want to be anyone's pity case. oh yes, i am my father's daughter in spades. time to break out the patented Emotional Vise Clamp, before all those messy emotions come spilling out and dirtying things up.
even scarier is knowing that my best friend will be moving soon. i don't make close friends easily, and deeply value the ones i've been blessed with. losing my boyfriend, who has also been a close friend for years, and now the upcoming spectre of there being great distance between my best friend and me... i just feel like i've been cut adrift. i know, i know - it's not impossible to stay in touch. phone calls just aren't the same as deciding the spur of the moment to go out shopping. gah... shopping? why did i say that? we never go shopping! must have come out because it's a girly thing to say. see? i'm so upset these days i'm breaking out the girly clich�s. not my style at all.
mostly, i'm trying not to feel too sorry for myself. that's no fun for anyone. and i don't want to be a weepy basket case. altho i just glanced up at the picture over my friend's computer, and it pretty well sums up my internal landscape right about now. it's all black, with a swash of deepest blue black thru the middle, and a lone grey bird hunched up in the middle, looking rather desolate. i'm right there with you, little birdie friend o' mine.
