16.09.2002
feeling kinda
i took stanzi in for some tests this morning. and while i have my fingers crossed, hoping to hear that i'll have to start managing her kidney failure with meds instead of just diet, i have a bad feeling that's not going to be the answer.
i've been trying to come to grips with the possibilities since a few nights ago. when i was growing up, one of our cats developed diabetes. my dad, god love him, dealt with his phobio of needles and learned how to give the cat in injection every blessed morning. this was not a small thing for him to do, either, as he's as phobic about sharp objects as i am. and i think, if he did it, so can i.
one of the possible options is needing to give her an injection every day, which may or may not involve planting a shunt. for some reason, the kidney meds aren't oral. and it could get more complicated. it could come to dialysis.
i'm completely torn up about this. where do you draw the line? when do you decide that it's too much for your pet, and how do you know that you didn't decide because it was too much for you?
i want her to have a good, happy, comfortable kitty life. i don't want to put her thru medical hoops. (as she would jump thru them anyway...)
i also don't want to drain my bank account for treatments that may or may not work. is it worth it? to her, or me?
and it's that last phrase that's kicking the guilt into hyperdrive. how can it possibly be fair to determine someone's treatment based on whether it's fair to me?
ah... crap. i can't take this. and Penn has offered a shoulder and a cocktail. so i'm off to sob in my martini, and hope that he has words of wisdom, or at least practicality, to offer.
