2001-07-13
feeling kinda
not that i'm superstitious, but let's just give Friday the 13th a pass, things being what they are these days and all. okay?
*sigh* fine. okay. you're right. i can't just leap over the whole damn day. fine.
i'm mildly irritated with the furniture company. i took part of the day off so i could have my couch delivered, the couch i agonized over for months, the couch for which i have paid in full, the couch which i own but they still have. the best they could do was give me a window of 10 to 2. so i stayed home. (after last nite, this was probably a good idea anyway.) round about 11, they called to say - get this - they couldn't fit the couch on the truck and would call back to reschedule the delivery.
what the fuck?
i understand that you don't have to be a MENSA candidate to get the job. but if all you do is put stuff on trucks, shouldn't you be able to figure out to put stuff on trucks?
so that was a rockin' start to my day. bill was kind enough to come pick me up so we could do lunch. truthfully, it probably wasn't as generous at is sounds. he just treated himself to a swank new car, and i think the boy likes any excuse to drive around town in his pretty, pretty new car. ;)
it was really helpful to talk with him; dumb as it made me feel, i dumped all the stuff that happened in the last day or two, and he listened. no judgement, just listened. and somehow, i felt less dumb.
i also realized something. earl had called to check on me, some weird confusion of emails and voice mails and notes, where i was sad and he was happy and i was sadder and he was concerned. when i called back to leave him a v'mail, the words came tumbling out before i knew what i was saying. 'it's much more painful for me than i realized to deal with an ex fianc�.' and it hit me, with a big resounding wallop.
we never were officially engaged, but we talked about marriage, and kids, and life together. and it seemed to me that it was going to happen, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. the disappointment has been all the more bitter because that was my expectation. in some ways, it's been even harder than my divorce, as i had stopped loving fritz long before the divorce went thru. earl, tho... him i still love.
well, yes and no. i do love who he is. even more, i love who we could have been. and i hate that we lost that, thru no fault of our own. and i hate him, sometimes, for not living up to that ideal. and i'm mad at myself - mad that i made mistakes, that i assumed too much, that i wanted something that wasn't going to work. some part of me thinks (however flawed the reasoning) that if i had just done that one more thing right, we'd still be together and life would be peaches and cream. yeah.... um, well. and in a perfect world, we all get the winning lottery ticket and straight teeth and charming personalities. ain't gonna happen, my friend. knowing that doesn't alleviate the self-induced blame game, tho.
however, i will say... naming the anger and pain goes a long way to making it better. being able to say 'i'm hurt, and imperfect, and dealing in some small way' makes the last part, the dealing part, truer. i felt a big burden off my shoulders today. i also felt old, and tired, and grey. but at least i was all those things with clearer eyes.
i'll never know how much facing up to the box of angry weasels contributed to today being easier. in the end, it doesn't much matter. an easier day is still a good thing.
the show down at the Pavilion was okay. got there in time, weather was nice, and i knew enough from working other jam bands to not care much who ended up where. here's the beauty thing about stoner shows: the whole audience has a very fluid view of space. while this may be irritating to those of us who belive in assigned seats, they all seem to be on the same pag and not much care. ergo, live and let toke. mr. p was there, and friendly in an appropriate way, which gives me hope that things won't get too awkward.
i did get saddled with poster duty, which means putting a poster up in Every. Damn. Stall. i only did the women's facilities, altho perhaps that's obvious. i got a bit irritated at having to balance an armload of posters and a tape dispenser, take down all the old posters, put up the new ones, and try not to whack my elbow into the damn door latch *again* (ouch! that hurts! so don't do it). so in order to humor myself, i decided it would be cool to count how many stalls there are, just so i can say 'i've been in every single one of the women's stalls at the Pavilion!' small goals are good. ;) imagine my disappointment when i found one of them was out of order and locked shut! so i've only seen 88 out of the 89. heh.
and i did decide to go see Jim's Big Ego at TT's, even with earl there. what i said earlier about the burden lifting? it felt okay to go down there, knowing i'd run into him. we talked a little, and he was very understanding. he thought i might want to back off for a while, but really, i think it's just something i need to power on thru. avoiding it just made things worse. talking with him, facing that i still want him and it won't work, not on that level, working on rediscovering the friendship - that's the only way to do it.
and the show was just wonderful. jim did all kinds of new stuff, and it's as funny and bitter and brilliant as ever. i'm glad i still had my earplugs from work with me, as i scored a place right next to the stage - and the speakers. when they cranked up on stage, the show had it's own weather, with thumpy little gusts of breeze swirling around me. made me happy, happy, happy to be right there, within an arm's reach of the band, and watching everyone dig the music just as much or more than i did. chatted up jim after the show (and felt like a dork as always), told him how excited i was that they were back in town, and thanked him profusely for a great show. felt reasonably calm and exhausted in a happy way by the time i headed home.
