the danish outpost
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my heart hurts


feeling kinda how a girl feels

i didn't go to work today.

i didn't know how to get out of bed. i didn't want to wake up to hear more about death and carnage, hatred and venom. i couldn't take another day of my heart hurting so much.

it got to the point of overdose last night, watching the news over and over an over again. and yet i couldn't stop watching. i wanted to know, needed to know what was happening.

at some point, i couldn't watch anymore. i craved a stupid sitcom, a bad movie, anything that would remind me that there is, in fact, life going on. the shopping channels had suspended their infomercials and had news feeds. MTV and VH1 had done the same. even the Food Network had suspended their shows, and had up a black screen, with New Age music playing in the background.

the only thing i could find was one of those E! True Hollywood stories. it was comforting to watch Mackenzie Phillips talk about beating her drug addiction. how sick is that? the day was so fucked up that i found it comforting to watch someone talk about heroin and cocaine.

i've been able to get in touch with nearly everyone, or talk to people who have talked to them. everyone we've found is okay. i was up until 4, calling and emailing. there are a few more that i haven't been able to track down, and i'm praying that no news doesn't mean bad news. some friends are still trying to track down friends as well.

and some we've heard about. on the news, in the paper, phone calls...

two of the people on the planes worked in my office. i barely knew them, even tho it's a small office. but i knew them. and now they aren't here anymore. i got off the elevator with one of them last week. and now she isn't here.

i can't even begin to comprehend how painful this is for people who have lost husbands, wives, sons, daughters, cousins, friends, family.

i'm pretty sure that one of the pilots is ... was related to a friend of mine. it's a fairly unusual name.

there have been some calls that flooded me with relief. a friend of a friend flies Flight 11. he's been answering the phone 'i wasn't flying.'

when i was finally able to get up today, i walked into the living room. i didn't want to turn on the computer, because i was afraid of the news i might find in my mail box. and i looked at the TV, an inanimate object, with trepidation and hatred.

i did, of course, finally turn it on. and i've been watching dumb movies all evening. The Truth about Cats and Dogs. i've seen it several times. i know how it ends. it's like a security blanket. it's fiction, and no one dies, and the girl gets the guy in the end. it's what i need tonight.

and now, i think, i'm going to watch The Daily Show, with my TV boyfriend. because, you know, Jon is always there for me. ;)

updated to say... sometimes, even the things you count as reliable let you down. no Jon. :( so i'm back to watching the news, and hoping i can sleep.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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