12.03.2002
feeling kinda
gahhhh... today was a manic swing, all the way back to being hyper and running at the mouth. i drank a lot of tea (decaf), walked around, ran an errand or two, jumped outside to smoke, and talked to D nearly all day about nearly everything. he must have been in the same place, as he dropped by my desk a few times as well. and while i appreciate his company and the fact that he laughs at all my stories, it was not the way i had intended to spend my day. i went to work to work. and i'm feeling very, very hyper. this is not a good thing.
so i called my therapist just to get a sanity check (that just slipped out, i swear), and she didn't see any big red flags. okay... good, i guess. this is what she gets paid for. i'll check in with her by phone for the next few days, just to keep getting the outside opinion. i'm clinically depressed, not bipolar; i'm clinically depressed, not bipolar... it's a damn fine line when you're in the middle of it. and i need reassurance from my therapist.
when i got thru what i'll loosely call a work day, i hung out with S and S for a while and ran off at the mouth some more. don't know if they were annoyed or entertained, because i was buzzingly manic at that point. [note: i describe it as manic because that's how it feels, not because i know that's what it is.] saw a few other friends and chatted, then dropped S off at home. he lives around the corner near the tower where the first American flag was hoisted. in the US? in Boston? hrm. i'll have to check on the details. anyway, the tower is a reconstruction, as the need to urbanize means that the original was razed years ago and the hill taken down by 70 feet or so. i think the original tower was taller than this one, but it still has a stunning view of the city. i walked up on the tower to enjoy the view; 14 years and i've never done that - high time, don't you think? it was a clear crisp night, and the view made me happy. i love my city.
then i dropped by to see Stone Cold Austin and chatted with an acquaintance. somewhere along the line, i went off on some rant fest which ended with SCA telling me to get over myself. good advice. you know when you get so wound up you don't even know how wound up you are because you're living on your own little planet? it's good to know people who can smack you out of that.
then (because there's no such thing as too much excess) i went in search of WonderDick, aka Cute Bartender Boy, and determined that yes, in fact, we're both open to seconds at some point. it wasn't gonna happen tonight, and that's all fine. in fact, if he had offered seconds tonight, i would have taken a raincheck. not tonight, not now. but sometime.
i've been informed by one of my guy friends that this was not me wearing the desperation dress, but a good thing. establishing future contact and being cool about it? all fine. dropping to your knees and begging? the desperation dress never looks pretty on anyone.
when i got home, i watched Shawshank Redemption (still boggles my mind that it's based on a Stephen King short story) on my new VCR which i finally hooked up. i'd almost forgotten what a great movie that is.
phew. see what a manic swing will do for you? that's a whole lot to fit in one day for an overwhelmed, tired kitten. here's hoping that the insomnia takes a powder tonight.
