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la neige.


feeling kinda how a girl feels

i wanted to write about snow.

i meant to write about slipping on the ice, relearning to walk on the ice, dealing with work, getting new lights after finally buying the bulbs, and trying to deal with the holidays.

i wanted to tell you about finally getting some holiday cards, and how one of my favorite stores is going out of business, and how i got a good deal on cards because of the sale; it's sad and happy all at the same time, and i had a lot of thoughts about all that, which i wanted to talk about.

i thought it meant something to talk about doing some holiday shopping, and finding gifts for people.

i wanted to tell you about the cashews.

it seemed important to tell you that i had talked to my best friend tonite.

i was all excited that i had figured out how to do footnotes on a web page.

i had every intention of talking about the latest snowfall, and how excited i was to get a scraper thingie to clean off my car. *small frission* my own car, and i can actually get to clean off the window! the excitement wore off when i figured out i had to dig out my car.

i got some wonderful emails today, and i wanted to tell you about them, how fantastic my readers are.

and then.

and then, i got home and watched the news.

i really haven't paid that much attention to the news since 9.11, because it's been hard. but the last week or two, i've started listening again.

and then i heard the news tonite. *crank up sappy soundtrack*

one of the lead stories was about the recent murder on the Cape.

i read the story a few weeks ago. the body was found in the park where i used to work. and the victim was the niece of a friend.

it was far too strange to be watching the follow up on the local news. it's sad enough that this happened. to see her family on the news? and seeing people who look so much like someone i know? horribley odd.

i don't like this. i don't like this one bit. i hate that i know someone who suffered a terrible loss. i hate that it makes me think about my own losses. i hate, to the bone, that this is happening now, in the middle of the holiday season.

i know that she has some very positive things to think about these days. but i haven't had a chance to talk to her about her loss, and the good things aren't public yet.

i ended up stressing out tonight, watching the news. i hated the fact that i knew people involved.

how selfish is all of this? i hate this in part because i resent that some anonymous person took the life of a person whom i know, and s/he hasn't been caught yet. and i hate it in part because it messes up *my* holidays.

*rips hair out of head* *screams in small ways* aaauuuuggghhhh!

so not fair. i should be caring about the woman that i know. and still, somehow, i am framing all of this in terms of my own life.

there are days where i wonder - why do we have to deal with all of this? who gets to set the questions that we deal with? why does it all seem so unfair?

sadly, i'm just happy that i'm home, fed, and warm. blech.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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the appeal of the broken boy

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