2001-05-01
feeling kinda
i just had a really difficult but important conversation with my ex. it's the first time we've talked in about a month. and we were friends for about seven years before we dated. this is someone who has been part of my emotional landscape for ... nearly 10 years. he saw me thru a divorce, a robbery, losing and gaining people in my life, and i tried to be there for him while he searched for himself.
being able to catch up with him... oh damn. i still miss him. i'm still mad at him for the choices he made. and yet... and yet. i was so happy to hear that he's found a new doctor to help him deal with his depression. i was thrilled to hear that he felt comfortable enough with this doctor to *ask questions*. i mean, i take it as a given that if the doctor says something that you don't understand or that doesn't make sense, you ask questions. when i was dealing with a cerebral hemorrage, i wrote out all my questions, and handed the list to the doctor, then took notes. (mind you, if you've lost your short term memory, any interaction is a challenge.) but not everyone feels this way. in some ways, we're trained to trust implicitly.
and i don't think that's where he should be. there's too much going on in his life for him to just trust. so to hear that he has a doctor that he can talk to... i was crying, out of relief and happiness. it's taken so long for him to get there. and i'm so thrilled for him.
we talked about a lot of other important stuff. he's lost a few people recently. and i've had some tough stuff to deal with. and somehow? we were both able to listen. i am very grateful that somehow, out of some pocket of caring, we were both able to set aside the hurt and the disappointment and... just listen.
it seems to me that it's hard, after a certain point, to find people that you trust. when that trust is broken, it hurts out of all proportion. and when you can heal that? what a gift. what a gift, because you reach a point where you aren't willing or able to open yourself up, emotionally, to the new people in your life. you want to fix the actual or perceived mistakes, and heal the old wounds. you want to trust people, and i want to trust, i try to trust, but...
oh, damn. i'm just really, really happy for him. and thankful that we were able to talk tonight. (thank you, maebe...)
