2000-09-13

feeling kinda

last night was just as good as i hoped it would be. met up with my sweetie, had some noshes, bumped into the birthday girl and her sweetie, feted them with a bottle of champagne, then headed home. and the rest of the evening was slow and sweet. mmmmmm. yay. the last few weeks have been so rocky that i'm even more grateful for simple pleasures, like good friends, good food and good nights.

today, tho, has mostly been about dealing with anger. if you're not in the mood for crankyness, you might want to stop reading here.

i'm pulling together the necessary data for the pre-trial hearing for my assault case. in case you've missed the details (which, granted, i haven't talked about much), i was assaulted in a parking lot on August 28^th by someone masquerading as a friend, when in fact she's a psycho wack job with bad anger management skills. i've talked to the DA assigned to my case, and need to get the photo evidence, medical reports, medical bills, names and numbers for eyewitnesses, and victim impact statement to him in time for the pre-trial hearing on sept. 25^th. everyone involved has been very helpful, and mr. DA is supportive.

the fact that i found the nerve to pursue this, have the c**t arrested, and take her to court is good. it was scary to make that choice, because it felt like leaping off a cliff with very pointy rocks at the bottom. how could i know if this would spur further acts of psychosis-induced violence? would it be safer to let it go, or to get some level of protection by calling her on the carpet? as it turns out, pursuing it has helped. since she was arraigned on three charges, one of which is a felony charge with jail time associated, she's been given strict orders to stay away from me, no matter where i am. which means, if you care to take the time to read the mind-numbing details of Chapter 276, Section 58A of Massachusetts General Law, that she is legally obligated to not only avoid me, but remove herself from the building should i happen to walk into, say, the grocery store after her.

and i guess that's good. but i'm angry for a lot of reasons. first of all, what happened to peoples' basic goodness? have i been smoking way too much crack? are people not basically good and decent? the fact that this wack job thinks that good anger management skills involve trapping me in her car at 70 miles an hour, and then when i don't provide the 'correct answers', driving back to a deserted parking lot, kicking the crap out of me, getting upset when i won't fight back or let her break my nose, and threatening my life and limb if i tell anyone ... kinda makes me question humanity in general, and my choice of acquaintances in particular.

then i start to get angry about having to put any more work into proving that she's bona fide nuts and should be found guilty of assault. why do i have to hunt down witnesses? part of me says that tackling this head on will help get thru it more quickly, so i can process and be done. and it will also help me win back the self-assurance that was battered along with the rest of me. but god damn it, enough is enough. i would really like to put this behind me.

and i'm furious that one person tangentally involved had never had the common decency to ask how i am. yeah, bub, your psycho girly decided that she wanted to assault me. you have to live with that. don't you dare have the nerve to to say hi to me, tho, with a smile on your face no less, and not ask how i am. do you really think ignoring this will make it go away? well, suprise, kiddo. your ass is comin' to court too.

and (yes, there's more) i'm really bullshit about writing a victim impact statement. i understand, logically, that describing the details of the physical and emotional impact will help the case go the way i want it to. and i understand that i can make the statement available in writing and have it read to the court, so i don't actually have to give my testimony in person. but emotionally, i'm still earning back my own self-respect, and i'll be damned if i want to say a single word to let this woman know that she did in fact do a lot of damage, that i woke up crying every day for a week, that i was scared to stay by myself, that i felt stupid and bad for a long time, that my therapist is making good money off me these days. why should she get that satisfaction?

and i have to deal with medical records, and the insurance company, and all manner of bureaucratic red tape...

big, deep, calming breaths.

it's gonna be a long process, and please keep your fingers crossed for me that the bitch is found guilty.

and now for something completely different! headed off to my best friend's to watch Spanish Prisoner and maybe The Usual Suspects and eat pizza, while surrounded by kitty and puppy lovins'.

~~~ note to self: keep breathing deeply, and stay calm.

yesterday tomorrow