touch my skin, and tell me what you're thinking
take my hand and show me where we're going
lie down next to me
look into my eyes
and tell me
oh tell me what you're seeing
Dido, Take My Hand
odd that that should be the song that came on when i sat down to write this little collab. today's topic, boys and girls, is Sex. and i'm not talking about the dictionary definition, altho i suppose we should get that out of the way.
sex (seks), n. 1. a. The property or quality by which organisms are classified according to their reproductive function. b. Either of the two divisions, designated male and female, of this classification.
well, that's pretty damn dry, isn't it? and not at all what i'm writing about. no, this is about nooky, lovin', getting sexy, staring into someone's eyes and getting lost, all that good stuff.
good sex - the definition varies from person to person. here's mine. when you can completely connect with the other person, and at the same time have the freedom to disappear within yourself, that's as good as it gets. and it's not just about the quickie in the morning, or the late night session, or the stolen twenty minutes here or there. reaching out to hold hands, feeling completely safe leaning up against each other on the sofa, stopping by with orange juice and crackers if you're sick, suprising her with tickets to a concert, rubbing the back of his neck while he's driving, taking out the trash even when you'd rather not, lighting candles all over the room and putting on a jazz album... all of that is sexy. that bond you share with another person permeates every action. even just spooning up with someone can be the sexiest thing going.
of course, it can also be one of the silliest at the same time. i think people who approach sex with a single minded seriousness are missing out on a lot. sex can be serious, goal-driven, sad, funny, silly, an escape, an adventure, a comfort - any or all of these at once. we were spooned up one night after a nice dinner, and i was drifting off to sleep feeling very happy. (key point: i was behind, up against his back.) then i was rather rudely jolted awake by the loudest eruption i'd heard in a while. i could feel him stiffen a little, hoping i was asleep, and i tried hard to stifle the giggles, really i did. no luck. the giggles took over, and he tried to defend his honor by asking 'oh... was that me? i thought it was a bad duck.' damn, boy - you come up with some pretty strange stuff when you're half asleep. 8)
of all the things that turn me on, porn is not one of them. the images i find appealing are a bit more subtle than that. erotica, erotic fiction, is much more my style. but the power of sensory images is an amazing thing. there was a night where, despite the fact the stereo was turned up in her room, i could hear her making love to her girlfriend. i didn't really want to listen, because that seemed to violate their privacy. but after a certain point, there wasn't really much choice. she whimpered, and gasped; i could picture her arching her back, stretching her hands out then grabbing little bunches of the sheet. was there a glow of sweat on her face? did she close her eyes? were they both undressed, or was there lace and flannel involved? she started moaning, crying out a little louder, and i could tell how close she was to her orgasm, because she sounded just like i do. it was one of the most intimate moments i've never shared with someone.
oddly, as comfortable as i feel with myself, and as well as i think i understand my psyche, there are still some snags that suprise me. for example: sex is a give and take, a kind of communication. there is no such thing as sex on demand. and yet... if i happen to not be in the mood, i feel incredibly guilty saying no. this is a completely internal thing, mind you, as he says he doesn't mind. he'd rather i said i wasn't in the mood than just tolerate the process (which is what it would feel like if i weren't mentally there for it), and i trust that he means that. but on some level, it feels wrong to say no. where does this come from? is the idea that the woman should always submit that deeply ingrained? that the girlfriend looks out for her man's needs, despite her own desires? these are pretty strong cultural ideas. but i don't think i was raised with them as a model. is it some deep fear that i can only veto it so many times before the poor neglected dick will wander off to find a happier home? i've been burned before by partners breaking up with me, and i don't want it to happen again. do i really think that sex is the trump card i play to keep it from happening? but then that goes against all the trust/communication building blocks. do i have this self-image of myself as a daring, rebel sexy chick, always ready to play? saying no would put a dent in that little image. bits and pieces of all of those ideas are probably true.
the "best" sex... while it's a highly subjective definition, i'll try to answer that one. many people, i think, would have stories about the most exotic position, or most daring location, or most inventive toys. that's not my story. i had been dumped, hard, by the one i thought i'd be with the rest of my life. there was a lot of pain, and confusion, and seeking. there's a lot about that period that i'm not proud of. but after a few months, we started talking again. and we got closer. and we started to get back together. that first night he stayed over, i was overwhelmed by the familiarity of him - the sensations, the sounds, the touch of his skin, the scent of his cologne, the complete comfort we had with each other's bodies. it was like coming home. and that was the best moment.