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I'm with Stupid - Just Another Collab

2001-03-30

feeling kinda how a girl feels

this month's collab for Just Another Collab: embarassment.

I'm with Stupid

there's not much that embarasses me. my boundaries are pretty flexible, and while i'm not exactly a world-weary traveller, i've seen, heard, read, done, or experienced a fair variety of things so far in my life. this is not to say 'been there, done that, have the t shirt'. there's still a lot i'd like to see and do. it's just that if you told me Aunt Milly was a leather dominatrix into her 80s, i'd be more impressed than embarrassed.

and while i've certainly said and done my share of stupid things, that doesn't really embarrass me either. if i say something stupid in front of a crowd of people? doesn't really bother me too much, and i doubt they care much either.

that being said, there are one or two stellar moments that do stand out. for example, i was working a show one night and we were trying to catch the person taking flash photos during the show. it was distracting for everyone, on and off stage, not to mention illegal. did i call up to the booth, where they had a bird's eye view, to have them tell me which seat this person was in? noooooooo. i went marching down the aisle. in loud shoes. and the play stopped. oh, my... i ended up being more distracting than the bitch with the camera. and we never did catch her.

or, there was the moment i was running to catch the train to work. the doors were about to close, and i came careening around the bottom of the escalator. along the edge of the platform is a yellow strip with little bumps, for some sort of traction, i guess. as i attempted to rocket onto the train, i hit those little bumps at just the wrong angle and wiped out. in front of a train full of people. scuffed my shoe, tore my nylons, shredded my ankle, and twisted a few things on the way down. did the train just close it's doors and glide away? nooooooo. the engineer took pity on me and waited for me to get up and limp on to the train. and do you know, not one person asked if i was okay. they just all stared. damn them. when i got to work, i made my boss bring me a cup of ice, so i could nurse my bruised ego... ankle.

and then there was the incident with the turquoise underwear. let's just say they must have been highly visible all day, thru my white pants. 'nuff said.

what embarrasses me more than any of that, tho, are the things beyond my control. yes, it's mortifying that i apparently couldn't dress myself. but hey, i have the power to change that. when it's someone else, tho... ick. my ex husband was a classic example. he would say or do some of the lamest things, and i would just want to slink away and hide under a table somewhere. i mean, if he's comfortable with what he does, that's his business. but the thought that somehow i would suffer dopiness by association made me crazy. my stomach would just twist itself up as i heard yet another charming statement slide out of his mouth, and i would want to shout 'not me! not me! i'm not with him! there's nothing i can do! really, i'm wittier and more charming than that! honest!' which, of course, i could never really do without making the (perceived) situation worse. and that made it even worse.

lately, i've been embarrassed to tell people what my alma mater is, for much the same reason my ex-husband often made me want to run away screaming. the school newspaper (which is completely independent - no funding or space from the school) published an ad from a bit of a nutcase who argues that remuneration for slavery is wrong for a variety of reasons, including the fact that welfare and affirmative action have already provided disporportionate monies to African Americans. yeah. well. however, under the first amendment, he's entitled to say what he pleases. and the school paper, as an independent organ, can publish as it chooses. and my fellow alumni... stormed the paper, confiscated all copies of that issue, and destroyed them. that's right, the independent paper isn't really allowed to publish things that might offend someone's delicate sensibilities. oh lord... it's enough to make me want to take back my contribution to the scholarship fund.

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