2001-03-30
feeling kinda
this month's collab for Interpretations: someday.
I Wanna Be a Cowboy, Baby
someday, i'd like to be a grownup. seriously. i mean, i've got all the trappings of adulthood. i have my own apartment, i have a job, i pay bills and taxes, i go shopping and clean the litterbox. my best friend and i share 'back in the day' moments, and grouse about 'kids these days'. i'm a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and an aunt. my parents are just as much my friends as they are my mom and dad. but i don't feel like a grownup. i just feel like me.
is there ever a point where you feel grownup? what is it like? what sort of thing do i think i'm missing? a diploma from Grown Up U.? maybe that's what it is. every other thing in your life has events or ceremonies or pieces of paper. you turn 16, you get your learner's permit and then your license. that little piece of plastic says 'you're a driver now'. you graduate from school, they tot you up in some sort of gown and tassel, and march you across the stage to shake hands with someone who gives you a diploma. you can frame it and put it up on the wall to say 'i paid my academic dues'. you get married, they make you bleed and pay money and sign papers. you get divorced, they make you pay more money and sign more papers.
but where's the little piece of paper or plastic that says i'm an adult? probably right there with the Manual for Living that i never got. no directions, no acknowledgement of moving past childhood.
it's been a gradual process, this growing up. and it sort of sneaks up on you. and maybe that's okay. maybe it's better that way, because then you never really lose your child-self. that part of you is always there somewhere. all those other events, the diplomas and licenses and such? they change who you are. they put another name on you. driver. wife. divorc�e. college graduate. and that means you're not something else anymore. you're not a student. you're not single. you're not a wife. if the price of being an adult would be resigning childhood and innocence, then i'm just as glad there isn't a ceremony for that.
now pass the Tinkertoys - i have some serious stuff to build before my nap.
