this month's topic for If...:
If you have to make a crucial decision, are you more likely to be influenced by your head or your heart? Have you ever regretted listening to one over the other?
The Heart Pleads Louder
it's a constant battle. i reason out a situation, clearly delineate the issues, and then toss it all out the window so i can follow my heart. makes for rather rocky roads. my heart has led me to make some truly stupid choices, always in the name of love or something like love. and it's ripping my world apart these days.
see, my boyfriend has a different idea of how the world works. he's decided that marriage is not for him. in fact, living together is not for him. he wants to hold on to his freedom, and that he would lose control of his life by doing anything other than what he's doing now. sounds pretty stereotypically guy-like, doesn't it? he certainly didn't feel this way when we started dating two and a half years ago. we had long conversations about marriage and kids. but things have changed. commitment is not for him.
it's easy to think that it's really just commitment to me that scares him. maybe what he really wants is the 'freedom' to find someone else. but he says that's not it. he loves me, he just can't commit. this is every soap opera ever written, isn't it?
and i'm not wired that way. when you love someone, you want to be with them. you want to share a space, a life. it's not always easy, but for love, the work is worth it.
logically, i know i should cut my losses and leave. i've had the conversation in my head a million times. he and i have been discussing the problem to death. and he just digs in to hold his position. yes, he loves me, no, he won't consider changing. reason says that his choice means we're done. but i can't let go of the man that i love. instead, i throw thought out the window. i try hard to see his point of view. i wonder if perhaps this is an acceptable arrangement. i'll be the Mia to his Woody (a comparison that pleases neither of us). maybe he'll change. and i fall right back in to being the emotional doormat.
my heart says this man is good and kind and loving; my heart says it chose him for a reason. my head says that the likelihood of his changing is slim, and he's going to leave sooner or later. my heart wants to believe all the romantic, caring things he wrote in sweet notes and cards. my head cynically thinks that all those words are a load of crap. my heart desperately wants to believe in happy endings; we love each other, so it magically should work out somehow. my head knows better than that, but is swayed by the pleadings of my heart. so, they have an uneasy alliance. for now, we'll hold out hope. and in the end, i may regret it.