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I'll Share My Secret - a Dear X collab

2001-05-30

feeling kinda how a girl feels

this month's collab for Dear X: confessions.

I'll Share My Secret

dearest:

you make me laugh, and throw me for a loop in the best way possible. i love the little attentions you pay me. being with you is wonderful; being apart from you makes me impatient and wistful. you make me blush, and stammer, and search for words. you forgive me my faults. you don't take me for granted. there's a lot that we share, and much that we can learn from each other. we fit together rather nicely.

i have a small confession to make: this scares me witless.

this giddy, happy feeling - how can it last? how can it be real? the Bitter Princess in me is on guard, searching for the flaw. and of course, they're there. neither of us is perfect. but i'm scared that i'll analyze this to pieces, and make mountains where none exist.

i've been burned before, betrayed by people i loved and trusted. i still want to give that trust, but am deathly afraid of being proved wrong again. i hesitate now, afraid to leap in with both feet and take a chance. how unfair is that? i take the mistakes that others have made, that i've made, and project them onto you. but you're not the others. am i just setting myself up for failure by obsessing about past events?

part of my problem, i think, is that i don't like going backwards. you learn, you move on. but there are things happening now that throw me back to where i was 5 years ago. it was a painful place and a bad choice then. i paid a heavy price for that choice, and lost friends because of it. i desperately don't want it to be the wrong choice again. how can i know? can you find the magic thing to say to let me know this will all be okay? can you give me that small golden key that will unlock the part of my heart that right now is armoured against further damage?

oh, how ridiculous. listen to me. i'm scared, and looking for you to fix it all. there's part of me that expects the world of people i trust. and that's unrealistic.

what scares me is not that you may disappoint me. i'm scared that i will fall down, flat on my face, and it will be my own damn fault. i'm scared that i will panic, and run away from this very good thing. i think that the fear may get the best of me. and that's not how i want to live.

oh, sweetie... what will you do with this confession of mine? have i just undone everything? please tell me no. please tell me that you'll listen, and stand by me, and let me find my own way. will you? please?

all my love...

b

yesterday :: tomorrow

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