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From the Heart - a Dear X collab

2001-02-20

feeling kinda how a girl feels

this month's topic for Dear X: Sacrifices for my Valentine.

From the Heart

dear sad, unhappy heart of mine -

i've been thinking some more about the fight, to figure out where my responsibility lies in all of this. and there's quite a bit i need to deal with, none of it easy.

the ongoing issue is communication and choice. i've been sending mixed signals, and making it easy for him not to need to make choices. i mean, if i say that i like my space, and it's important to me to spend time there, preferably with him sometimes - and then i trot off to his place all the time without asking him to come over, it's not as if he really needs to do anything. 'eat your peas. eat your peas. eat your peas. oh, here - have an ice cream. you don't really need to eat your peas.'

what i thought i was doing was looking for balance in the relationship. instead, i'm making myself an emotional doormat, afraid to ask for what is important to me. how do i get the tread marks off my back? how do i ask without being demanding? there are so many things about him, about us, that i love. i want to be with him, and i seem to be willing to make the wrong kind of sacrifices in order to get there. which means once i get there, i'm not happy. painted myself into a corner, i have.

that really came home to me this weekend. i had started a conversation about living together last week. he said he needed to think about it, and would get back to me. fine. then nothing. i had no idea where he was with it. and some part of me hoped that this past weekend would be when we got to talk about it. i didn't realize how much i wanted him to pick up the conversation again until it didn't happen.

and what did i do? i got sad, and upset, and snippy. i was very difficult to be with this weekend. (a bad baked lobster didn't help.) despite his patience, i feel as if i'm destroying this relationship from the inside out. if i get so focused on why i'm upset, that doesn't leave much room for the good bits. and who would want to be with someone who's as bitchy as i've been recently? god knows i'm not so interested in being with myself.

the question i have trouble answering is why? why is it so important for me that he make more of a commitment? i think it's because of how the current situation makes me feel. i feel like a diversion, like a convenience. i feel that what we have is good, but fragile. it feels like he wants the freedom to walk away at any point - perhaps because i may not be able to live up to his expectations. i - i would rather make a commitment to this person that i love. and yes, that means stuffy, boring, traditional, hetero marriage. or, maybe, it means a public declaration of a deep and lasting bond, a desire to love and explore together. if he doesn't want that now, will he ever want it? and how long will i wait, and compromise, to find out? how much of this comes from love, and how much from my insecurities?

i don't know. right now, i'm too tired to consider the possibilities. i'm tired enough to have difficulty with humor. altho, as pablo pointed out, i have had worse days. and dan's right - i am still on the right side of the grass. so perhaps there are still possibilities.

in the CD player right now: the ever fabulous Ani DiFranco.

growing up it was just me and my mom against the world
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
now i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
and as each year goes by i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war with a quiet charm
but i just want to walk thru my life unarmed
to accept and just get by like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate for the lack of light from above
and every time we fight cold wind blows our way
but we can learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

i - i think i understand what all this fighting is for
baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

- angry anymore, from up up up up up up

yesterday :: tomorrow

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