2001-04-18
feeling kinda
this month�s topic for Dear X: you make me feel...
Dunce Cap Not Required
Dear Ex:
you make me feel stupid. more accurately, i let you make me feel stupid. i chose to ignore a lot of things, because i wanted our relationship to work. i was wrong.
and you know? i'm angry. i feel like you spent a very long time lying, at least to me, and possibly to yourself. it doesn't really matter if it was a choice or an accident on your part. you knew i wanted us to move in together and make things last. you knew that. i was clear. you decided that you didn't want that, now or ever. you decided it some time ago. you decided that after talking about spending our lives together. and yet you chose not to share that little nugget of information. nope. instead you left things just as they were. because, hey, you were getting laid! why change that? i'll tell you why. because you should be honest with people you claim to love. that's the least you could do. not doing that is such a big disrespectful slap in the face. screw you.
you said it wasn't like that - it was more than just friends who fuck. it meant a lot to you, our relationship. and i'm sure it did. but your emotional health isn't my job anymore, any more than working on our relationship ever seemed to be your job. how things feel from this side? i just feel cheap and used.
maybe i should thank you, though. i've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why i fall for boys like you. and i do. you're my type. there have been others like you. i don't want any more like you. i want to understand what there is that draws me in. where does the appeal come from? why do i let myself get hurt, over and over again? how do i pay attention this time? maybe i'll learn how not to fall for your type, how not to get walked on, how not to get hurt. and for that, i'd be grateful.
and then i could stop feeling the anger, just feel compassion. i'm not exactly your biggest fan right now. all i see is the anger. i don't want that. i'd rather be able to just look at the shoe box you're stuck in, and feel no attachment, just compassion for you. and then, just maybe, then we could try to reclaim what had been a very beautiful friendship.
not much love these days,
beth
