2000-10-17
feeling kinda
i'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me...
ambience courtesy of Beck...
i overslept again today, which means that i can't go to the gym at lunch, because i can't take any more time away from my desk - unless it's to run out and buy a new alarm clock with one of those loud, nasty, squawking air horns that they put on big trucks to warn you the truck is backing up, because that would blare me right out of bed and get me up on time so i wouldn't have to be late and embarrassed to call my boss *again* and try to sneak in without anyone seeing me. (wuff! ran out of breath on that sentence.) it's just stupid; how hard is it to get up on time, really? apparently, a monumental challenge in my little universe.
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in re-reading last night's entry, i realized there were a whole bunch of things that didn't make it in; it wasn't really the entry i meant to put up. it's an interesting process, writing nearly all of these entries real time, then throwing them out there, and not being able to go back and change anything other than egregious spelling errors or broken links. well, OK, of course i could go back and edit them. but that sort of defeats the purpose of a journal, as i see it. the entries are snapshots of where i am at that moment, where the emotional barometer is, what's happening in and around my life. and anyway, i almost never re-work my writing, even if it's just for me. the book review, though - that i did offline. it seems fine to do something like that with a lot of revision and planning, as it's a static piece. so, alright - this is mostly a journal, with occasional set pieces. 8) there are a few topics rolling around in my head that will most likely turn into little essays, like the cost of living in the city, or revisiting relationships. as tanya pointed out the other day, good ideas are a great thing, and fashioning a good piece of writing out of a solid idea is very satisfying.
part of the reason for last night's oversights might be that i was a little unsettled yesterday by a run-in with Surly Old Man in the office. i asked him to do something, and he refused to do it. this was by email, so there could have been a misunderstanding. so i rephrased the question, again by email, and he told me he had no intention of wasting his time doing this particular thing. now, i have no problem having a discussion as to why, or what the value might be. you can change my mind as long as you discuss things peacefully. but this isn't the first snag in dealing with SOM. i decided to walk over to his cube to chat with him in person. he got belligerent, raised his voice, waved his arms around, claimed that i was always getting angry with him, telling him to 'do this, underling!' (his words, not mine), and dumping clerical work on him. understand: he's significantly older than me, may have a generational difference in dealing with women, is at the bottom of the learning curve here in the office, altho quite experienced in the industry, and we're short-staffed as a team these days.
i really fought to keep my calm while pointing out that i didn't like his tone of voice and that it wasn't necessary to raise his voice to have a discussion. he claims it comes from being hard of hearing. mm hm. then why don't you yell during a normal conversation? after a few go rounds, i asked him to come with me to my boss's office. he refused, saying he had too much work to do. right, we all do. i repeated the question and dragged him into boss's office. the worst part of the experience for me was listening to my voice tremble as i outlined the interaction for my boss. it's a nasty little giveaway that my emotions are running far too high. the bottom line is, the boss ran interference, and i tried to focus on the fact that it wasn't this particular instance or even this request, but the overwhelming lack of communication with SOM that bothered me. ask me any question, i'm happy to help. accuse me of being arrogant and bitchy, you've just hit a lot of triggers. and it ain't gonna be a pretty sight if you keep it up.
so that kinda shook me up for a while. i'll admit to being difficult at times, and not always the easiest person to talk to, but i think i do pretty well overall. this made me sit and navel-gaze for a bit, trying to weed out how much of this little contretemps was his personality and how much was mine. am i really a miserable person to work with? how much of what he said was true? got some support from friends the other night, and have pretty much decided that SOM needs some lessons in civility, that i wasn't really wrong, and that i'll just have my guard up when talking to him for anything that he might perceive as remotely offensive.
i realized, in thinking about dinner at Lumi�re last friday, that i'm a bit of a restaurant snob, as are most of my friends. we were sitting there having a perfectly lovely dinner, and Martini Slave Boy and i were quite happily dissecting the d�cor, the service, the menu, the pacing, the wine list... comparing it to other places and people. 'well, the waiter is nice, but he's no luis.' 'the pacing at ... is a little better.' 'i like the lamps here; ... could certainly use the same ones.' yikes! can't i just sit there and eat dinner? then again, part of being a restaurant snob is the pleasure you take in learning and discussing. i think the next place i want to try out is No. 9 Park. read a review/interview with Barbara Lynch, the chef/owner, the other day, and it sounds like great fun.
coming attractions!
coming soon, a virtual tour of my apartment and my neighborhood! i just got back a few rolls of film, and had wasted a few shots on the new living room arrangement, and of course a few obligatory shots of my cats, who look like lucifer's spawn, since the red eye reduction that works on humans seems to have no effect on them. so if i can snag access to a scanner, you'll get to peek around the humble abode.
speaking of houses, there's a house that my best friend and i have been eying for a while. sunday night, i ended up talking with a friend who works on the historic commision in town, and it donned on me he might know something about it. as i tried to describe where it was, he said 'you mean, the round house?' 'exactly!', i yelped; 'how did you know that's the one i meant? i didn't even get the neighborhood right?' 'i just knew.' turns out he not only knows the house, he knows the owner, and they've been trying to get her to renovate it for years. she keeps saying she means to do it... y'all, she's pushing 90. she better get a move on. i've talked my historic commission friend into seeing if he can wrangle an introduction for us, so we could talk to her about leasing the house, or maybe getting written into the will. 8) if nothing else, it'd be cool to hear the story of the house. it's listed on a few registers, because it's a rarity - a truly *round* house, not octagonal. i would love to get my hands on that house and renovate it.
shopping last night was bearable; got two pairs of pants, neither of them black, and a sweater as a reward for suffering through the agony of wiggling into ill-fitting pants designed for human toothpicks with no hips under the ever unflattering dressing room lights. and i got a new CD - David Gray's White Ladder. i rarely buy CDs on the strength of a single song, especially one being flacked so hard on the local radios as this one. but i really love Babylon, and like the whole album. i'll forgive Dave Matthews for plugging this guy as the greatest thing since sliced bread (hype, much?), because he really is quite good.
hey, i've tweaked the background color a little darker, as i hadn't gamma corrected my monitor at work to figure out how pale it would look on a Mac. yes, i'm chained to a windoze box during the day, and my Mac at home is a little under par these days. so let me know if the color is any better, yes? or no...
