the danish outpost
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gingerly, gingerly...

08.03.2002

feeling kinda how a girl feels

i decided last night that i was going to stay home today; my therapist had me choose while i was in her office. she seemed to feel that i needed to have a plan for the next day. while i know that continuing to stay home isn't really the best solution, it's the lesser of two evils, at least from my point of view. i need to feel more secure before i'll feel safe working with everyone else.

at this point, i'm scared out of my mind about facing my boss. he's distressed with me, which is understandable. i'm distressed with me. but i can't face him and fix this if i don't have something to show, some sort of progress. and i need to build a bit of a buffer. i need to feel safe sitting at my desk, and that's just not gonna happen if i walk back in today, with everyone looking at me and asking how i'm feeling. i want my desk to feel like my desk again.

so i called bossman and promised him i'd put in time over the weekend, which will keep me off short term disability. yes, i've been out that much. i can't remember the last time i worked an entire 40 hour week. sometime before the beginning of the year, i think. first there were planned days here and there to take care of things, like cats to the vet or errands that had to happen during the week. then there were sick days, when i went thru a few rounds of being sick and having the flu. and then i started to get scared of being behind, and feeling like a fake, and having the depression spiral downwards. or sideways. or splattering. downhill isn't necessarily the best description of where depression takes you; some days, it feels like you're spinning around and bits and pieces of your self are flying off into the air. other days, it seems like someone has crossed a few wires and jacked up the power, so all you can do is sit there and vibrate, helpless.

anyway, i need to get a grip on what it feels like to sit at a desk and get work done. and i need to do it in my own space and time, at least for a day or two.

my best friend had already invited me over to watch a movie, and i asked if it would be okay for me to crash there. that way, i'd be nearly at the office when i got up, which would make it easier to get there. hey, i'm all about lowering the barriers at this point. bless her heart, she was more than happy to have the company.

i pulled my stuff together and headed over to the house late in the afternoon, let myself in, and took the dog outside to do her business, then settled in to watch mindless television. when chicabeanie got home from work, i told her the plan i'd come up with: stop over to check out WonderDick, aka Cute Bartender Boy, get food, get movie, come home and relax. sounded good to her, which was a relief, as it had taken quite a bit of mental effort to actually have a plan.

so we got cleaned up and headed over to CBB's place. i kept putting my napkin over the bar, because they have hanging lights pointing right down on a shiny copper bar. who the heck came up with that idea? with that genius setup, i had glare off the bar in my eyes the whole time, unless i put a napkin down like a mini table cloth.

of course, the motivation for going there was to do the girlie reconnaisance. i wanted some sort of outside opinion on CBB. she thinks he's kinda cute, but that his mouth is too tiny and girly. you know that's all i'm going to be able to see now when he makes the 'give me sympathy' face.

then we went to pick up a movie and much crap food to munch on whilst watching. always good to indulge your inner sugar junkie once in a while. while we were standing in line to get the movie, i noticed that the guy in front of us was dragging a very long linguine-like sneaker lace behind him. i whispered to my best friend 'i have this overwhelming urge to step on the end of it and wait for him to figure it out.' god love her, she bit her lip so as not to laugh, gave me a conspiratorial look, and did just that. watching him catch himself just a bit as he stepped forward nearly made me burst out laughing. SneakerBoy just looked mildly confused and tied his laces.

the movie, by the way, was O Brother, Where Art Thou?, for which i've had the soundtrack for ages. what a great movie! i got laughing so hard at some parts that i made chicabeanie rewind the movie; we must have watched the opening train scene 4 or 5 times before we got it all. well worth watching, if you haven't seen it yet.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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