the danish outpost
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wishing upon a star

08.07.2002

feeling kinda how a girl feels

*sigh* i want a boy.

no, this is not one of those 'i'm so sad and lonely and can't manage on my own' whines. nothing of the sort. i manage pretty well on my own, thankyouverymuch. and i have plenty of friends, both real and virtual, that i spend time with. and i get on with my family. and my own company is fairly decent.

but i find myself lately wanting a boy.

and this is not a 'my god, i haven't gotten action in ages and i don't know what to do with myself and i've run out of toys' sort of spiels either. that's not what i'm looking for. (well, not *just* that.)

i just want my very own, honest to goodness, not too much baggage, grown up in the right ways and silly in the right ways, takes out the trash voluntarily, remembers to fill the gas tank on the last quarter, is nice to my mother, thinks that renting trashy movies and ordering in is a good night, occasionally makes reservations somewhere, doesn't leave the seat up or blow his nose in the shower, knows to wear black socks with a suit kind of guys.

does that sound like too much to ask?

i saw an image the other day, don't even remember where, of a couple curled up taking a nap. and i caught my breath. it made me sad to see that, because i can't remember the last time i had that and it was good.

and this is also not about wearing the Desperation Dress while hunting for Mr. Will Do For Now. that's never a pretty dress to wear. it's not that i can't get, haven't had dates. i have, when i choose to. no, it's more than that.

i miss the steady comfort of a regular relationship. it's nice to know that one other person is there, just for you, and you're there, just for them. that knowledge fills a little space in you, makes the landscape more complete, gives you a constant. you might not think about it all the time; you don't have to. it's there, has been there. and it's not perfect, but it's there. just for you and that one other person.

i guess i'm thinking about it more lately because there have been weddings and anniversaries lately. people i care about are out there making each other happy, building lives together. and i appreciate being invited to be part of that. i also feel twinges of envy. small ones, to be sure, but there they are.

i'm not sure what to do with all of this. i don't want to sit and stew. blech. that's no fun. and i don't want to get depressed about it, because i want to get out and enjoy my life on my own terms. plus, when's the last time you saw the saddest, mopiest girl out there being the one that people wanted to spend time with?

so instead, i corralled a friend this morning, went for a walk in the sun, listened to him talk about his weekend, and got myself a pretty arrangement of summer flowers for my desk at work.

as always, FlowerBoy did a lovely job. i brought in a ginger vase from some recent event or other, and asked him to fill it up with bright, fragrant blossoms that would last the week. right now, looking over at my flowers, it makes me happy. can't even name the flowers, but there are yellows and pinks (pale, dusty... apple blossoms?), lilac flowers that look to be made out of tissue paper, whites and greenery. smells nice, and reminds me that there is much good in life.

ps - if you know a nice boy, pass along my number, will you? ;)

yesterday :: tomorrow

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