05.10.2002
feeling kinda
enlarge my penis with no surgery, just exercise. [now, how does one lift weights with... nevermind.]
get in on a ground-level investment. 'CBYI is trading around 25 cents and should skyrocket to $2.66 - $3.25 a share in the near future.' [is skyrocket *really* the word we want here?]
'save' up to 80&percent; on inkjet cartridges and laser printer toners. Now get 'FREE' Shipping. [if i 'had' a 'printer', this 'might' be worth it.]
generate crazy amounts of sales leads. 'Before you say, "No, that's not possible!" Just ask yourself... "Would that kind of money have me bouncing off the walls with JOY?' [doesn't really need a comment, does it?]
eliminate annoying pop up ads. [that might almost be worth exploring... if i didn't know there are already a hundred ways to do that.]
discover a whole new way to experience fresh coffee. i can roast, grind and brew great coffee to my personal taste in just minutes, complete with free Italian coffee grinder. [okay. but only if he's cute.]
or work for a Fortune 500 company experiencing 1000 &percent; growth annually. [i would love to know what they were smoking when they generated *that* statistic. there must be a market for that.]
find The One thru a service that offers 'a high probability of quality matches'. [hey, at least they're realistic. and it's better than an overwhelming possibility of crappy matches.]
get some promo gardening shears for subscribing to some indeterminate 'zine. [does that negate the penile enlargement offer?]
work out some sort of business deal with a polyresin manufaturer in China, who makes gnomes among other things. customized designs are welcome. [maybe a garden gnome with a candle holder in one hand, an oil burner in the other, and a clock in his stomach?]
join a limited number of physicians participating in this meta-analysis study to validate the use of standardized natural therapies based on the latest scientific research. [damn! *rustles around* now, where did i put that medical degree? i really should stay more organized.]
lower my student loan payments. [where the hell were you people when i actually *had* student loans and no money?]
get rid of all my debt in one easy step, or with the help of Chuck Woolery. [which, once i hit it big with all those biz opportunities, i won't need.]
receive valuable legal advice for only pennies a day. [could come in handy if the spy software catches on that i'm in on the ground floor of one of those Ponzi schemes.]
get a new computer, financing guaranteed, from a sports organization. [huh? they also sent me a more reasonable offer (considering the source) for a personalized 26 ounce sports mug. that's a lot of beer, my friends.]
get in on the one leg down pyramid scheme. [no, i don't know what that means, and i'm afraid to ask. but i was humored by the pitch.] "This is truly the pits!" I found myself saying. The bills kept on coming long after the paycheck was dead and buried. Cab drivers and trash collectors must be making more than me.
get my child [my what?] an escooter. Use the e-scooter to go to school, deliver papers, run to the park, travel through congested downtown business areas, or just take a family scooter ride around the neighborhood. You'll wonder how you ever lived without one. [no. no, i won't. i've often wanted to take a bazooka to individuals using these hopped up lawn mowers to get around town.]
get a Free Personal Digital Organizer. Organize your life and keep track of appointments, names and numbers with this modern digital organizer. [which i originally misread as 'thermometer', and was quite confused and impressed, all at the same time.]
