03.09.2001
feeling kinda
i started doing a little 'year in review' thing yesterday, and while it's been hard crafting coherent thoughts about the bits i like (and getting all the damn tags right), it's been fun. so today's going to be the companion piece.
i've spent a fair amount of time trying to look out for friends this year. they've been going thru layoffs, workplace rage/murder, car problems, family problems, relationship issues, both good and bad, depression, addiction, court cases, and bad hair days. there's been a lot going on for my friends. and in the midst of that, i've been trying to work on myself as well.
it's been up and down, altho i'd like to think i've grown a little bit in the process. not that i feel like an adult, mind you.
if the price of being an adult would be resigning childhood and innocence, then i'm just as glad there isn't a ceremony for that.now pass the Tinkertoys.
i started the year meditating a bit about where my life has been and is going. (i'm rather happy with that particular piece; not sure if the theatre conceit works, but i like it.) and i tried to set some reasonable goals for myself. optimistic way to start the year, yes?
there have been days where i thought that was a foolish optimism.
my days do not hum with satisfaction lately.
other days, it seems to work.
and then. and then every so often, a small ray of sunshine breaks thru this self-involved fog to remind me that our life is in the small details, here, in the moment. stop. breathe. sat nam.
perhaps unsurprisingly, spirituality has been a big part of my life this year. i've written about it a few times, and also spent a lot of time reading and thinking.
all the navel gazing has taught me a few things about myself. this piece means a lot to me because i worked thru a few big ideas about why i view myself the way i do at times. amazing how the family sticks with you, in ways you least expect, isn't it? i've also tried to remember to take the time to be grateful for family and friends. memory is imperfect at best. i'm tempted to offer shouts out to my peeps... oh, sonia, that thug lingo skit is still messing with my head. :)
speaking of lingo, i find that i've coined a few phrases for habits picked up from my family, by example or osmosis. the Patented Emotional Clamp Down� (or Vise Grip) is one of them. Marketing Mode� is another.
of course, one of the big events this year was the roller coaster of relationships, one in particular. we had been together, broken up, and gotten back together before i started this journal. other people knew it wasn't going to work out. but i didn't at the time. i was trying to make it work again, with mixed results and lots of fights.
in retrospect this entry was a hint that things might not be so rosy: 'i finally woke up sweetie and asked him if he wanted coffee, and wanted nothing more than to stick his fingers in the coffee grinder.'
things got even rougher around the holidays. i chalked it up to holiday stress. and i'm sure some of it was. but not all of it. we got thru the holidays, somehow, sort of. and things were okay, in a tenuous sort of way. then things got tougher.
*thwop* that was the sound of my honey being decapitated. i've been told my tongue is sharp. now you know. 'here's your head. no, i don't have a silver platter. find your own damn platter.'
nice way to spend Valentine's Day, eh? i was listening a lot to Treat Her Right at the time, and ended up using a song title of theirs - Lovers, War and Kings - for an entry because it seemed to encapsulate what i was feeling. how is it that it made sense for love and war to be in the same sentence? but it did. i was starting to feel very much like an emotional doormat for a lot of reasons. some i created, some felt like the end result of a long seige.
... with any luck, there will be spring cleaning, scrubbing out the icky stuff from the corners, scraping the land bare, and i'll be standing in the pale light, shivering but happy, lighter without the burdens, arms open to the rest of the adventure.
the end came soon after that. and the road has been rocky since then. we both expressed the desire to stay friends. eight plus years of friendship is a lot to walk away from, and neither of us really wanted to. but there's not really a road map for what we're doing. there have been some low points.
he stepped towards me, to give me a hug goodbye. 'no', sharp and tense, tumbled from my mouth. he stopped short, blinking. 'what?' 'there are some rights you no longer have.'
i'd like to think that we've already hit rock bottom on this road. i'm afraid that we haven't. i'm still willing to stick it out and see where the friendship might go, because i still care about him deeply.
gah. relationships. can't live with 'em, can't hide the bodies.
of course, after all that, i've been in no great rush to explore the dating scene with any great alacrity. i've been on a few dates. there have been some missteps along the way. the latest chapter might be this. then again, it might not. i'm more interested in just being around friends these days. and fortunately, i have many of them.
there have been other things going on during the year. there's the whole trial thing, which i don't think i'll even grace with any links, because i want that chapter of my life to be closed. i've started working a second job that lets me hear an amazing variety of music. this has helped feed a musical addiction that has very nearly replaced my love of books. but it certainly hasn't displaced my love of good food.
i was surprised to find how many entries have been about food. sometimes i've posted recipes. michael's chickpea and chicken recipe is one of my standards, and the beef fillet is quickly becoming another. much to my surprise, my dad provided me with one of the tastier chicken recipes i've used. and the latest dessert fallback is Nonna's Tart. as you may have gathered, i like cooking at home and baking for others. of course, going to other homes and being fed well is nice too.
and then there's eating out. i've had many good meals at the Pudding, and it was sad to see it go this year. bill and i did get a last Annual Lunch there before it closed. thankfully, there are still places like CBC and their Brewer's Dinner. i always like trying new places, like Sonsie's (good company never hurts either). and there's always the lobster at Jasper's, in a pinch.
i've spent some time thinking about personal space and what it means to have my own apartment. i've gotten a new computer (soon to be replaced by an even newer one) and given in to the siren song of DSL. i got a new couch, which only took 8 months to decide on and buy. i bought a car. i've written en francais a few times, just for the heck of it. i snagged a digi cam and finally posted a virtual tour of the apartment, only a year after i promised it.
and sometimes the journal has just been about good days. yes, there have been some of those. i love that i captured moments like this night in the Square. the day we went to the Gay Pride Parade was wonderful, even though we were all beat and hot by the end. and once in a while you get the occasional perfect day. things like that make me happy to go back and read, and happy that i've kept up on journalling for a whole year. who knows what the next year will bring? i sure don't. but i'm hoping you'll stay along for the ride.
