03.10.2001
feeling kinda
still not firing on all pistons, but i pulled together some plans to see my brother this weekend. it's his birthday, and i want to see his new house. now i just have to find his gift. :)
my throat is all sore and scratchy again - which means i couldn't sing Happy Birthday to him when i called about this weekend, for which he's probably grateful.
this means the weekend schedule leaves me free to dogsit for stu, which is all good, because he was concerned about finding someone. that means he can go to his reunion; i think he's looking forward to it.
and work is finally progressing! it's late in the game, but it's still good. we're at a point where i can get some serious testing done. i had so many windows open on my desktop, tho (15? something like that) that i was in danger of being terminally confused. no pun intended. i need two or three browser windows, an emulator or three, an FTP connection, a code editor, email, my calendar (with alarms... whoo hoo! otherwise, i'd never make a meeting), a spreadsheet or two... yeesh.
(lite) <-- you know, i was scribbling things down in my paper journal, and took a break to eat dinner. i have no idea what i meant to say!
back to bro... i have to see his house before i see my best friend's new house. because... well, because it's my bro, it's his first house, and it's my bro. they've been in there for a few months, and what with one thing and another (nearly always on my end), i haven't had a chance to get down there.
heh. every time i call him, he's painting something. paint brush or roller in one hand, phone in the other. next time i call, i should just ask what he's painting today.
it's all about timing. my parents are always napping, my best friend is watching a show or just walked in the door, my sis is always making dinner. and the times are variable, too. it's not as if i know my parents always nap at 3, so i should call then. i just manage to time it so.
oh - i ran into sammogee tonight! haven't seen him in years, quite literally. he was walking thru Davis, and i happened to be walking the other way down the block. 'sammogee. how the hell are you?' chatted briefly; seems like he's having an old home week, running into all sorts of people he hasn't seen in ages. looks like i'll have a chance to see him again next week, as the gang is getting together over at CBC.
i did feel sort of stupid and awkward when we parted. went to shake his hand - as i do with everyone. and i have a pretty firm grip. i had forgotten what a gentleman he is. so there i am, trying to shake his hand, and he's trying to kiss the back of my hand. got me all flustered, because it felt like i didn't know what i was doing.
when i got home last night, i caught the John Lennon tribute concert on TV - part of it, anyway. man, if i didn't love Kevin Spacey before... the man is sexy and talented like nobody's business. mmmmph. and i feel a small bit of satisfaction that i had the Craig David CD long before anyone here had any idea who he was. picked it up in London over a year ago. makes me feel hip. ;)
oh, and then my brain goes off on a little trip... i could blame it on the cold meds, or the new paradigm for philosophy that my brain thought it invented. but it's not really that. just a few ideas rattling around in my head these days...
how is it that it's easiest to be open with people whom you know like the back of your hand - or not at all? meeting someone for the very first time, i spill everything. and my close friends know more about me than they ever wanted to (vice versa, as well).
but then there are all the people in between. i know someone a little, and already i'm starting to shut them off, fencing off parts of my life that i would gladly have told them the week before. it takes so little to cross the line, and have me shut them down altogether. why is this?
i have no expectations on either end of the spectrum, i guess. those i know well - there's so much water under the bridge. people i've just met i want to trust. the thrill of finding a new audience and wanting to both entertain and trust takes over. my close friends are spared this little performance because they don't need to hear it all; they already know all that stuff.
you would think, having been burnt so many times, i wouldn't trust so easily. but i still do. there's that break point, tho, where trust is damaged. or, maybe, put into perspective. and more often than not, i want to walk away. and i do. because more often than not, i have no patience for someone else's bullshit. i have enough of my own.
this explains a few things, i think. it explains why i treasure my close friends. and it makes sense that many of them have come from work. you can't always run away from people in the work environment. the enforced closeness makes it necessary to find a common ground, a way to communicate. sort of like family, in that respect. :)
