the danish outpost
updated when time and inspiration allow. latest and greatest always in the blog.
grieving

28.09.2002

feeling kinda how a girl feels

i'm trying to figure out how to grieve for stanzi. even with all that she and i went thru the last few weeks, i'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she's physically gone.

my little baby girl has been part of my life for so long that i can't imagine how life will be without her. how is it that she won't be sitting behind my left shoulder, purring into my ear as we watch TV together? how is it that she won't be sitting on the other side of the kitchen, watching while i clean out the litter box? and she won't walk over when i'm done to inspect, then pee her approval in just that one corner.

she isn't here to pest me while i'm trying to read in bed. for some reason, she got into the habit the last few months of needing to jump over me, from one side to the other, *right behind* whatever i was reading. she didn't want pets. she just wanted to interrupt. i don't know why. but i wish she'd do it again.

i'm loathe to dust or do laundry, and not for the usual reasons. no, i don't want to do that because there are little bits of grey fur on the end of my blanket, tumbleweeds of it in stray corners, and i feel like cleaning all that up makes her go away all over again.

i know. it's not as if she can be more gone than she is. but somehow it feels... unfaithful. i still want those little reminders, at least for a bit.

when i got home tonight, i dropped my bag by the kitchen table. not sure why, as i nearly always leave it by the door. but for some reason, it ended up by the table. and i kept catching it out of the corner of my eye. i thought it was stanz. that must have happened a half dozen times before i finally had to move the bag, because i couldn't take my heart breaking just a little bit more each time i made that mistake.

and it wasn't a mistake really, it was years of sense memory. stanz would sit under the table, between the chair legs, watching. years of knowing to look before pulling out the chair, or before i swabbed a mop under there... sense memories stay with us for a long time. they're written into the bones. a single scent can put you back 15 years in the blink of an eye.

i blink.

she's still not there.

yesterday :: tomorrow

your moment of...
2000-2002 by eac. feel free to link to my site; if you do, please drop me a line.
ambience
listening to/watching: watching for grey kitty
reading: TV Guide
random: the inside of my china cabinet still smells like my grandmother's house.

recently
*tap tap* hellooo?
i think i've been tricked
steely grey days
warm food for cold weather
the appeal of the broken boy

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