the danish outpost
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spitting nails

27.02.2002

feeling kinda how a girl feels

i'm pissed off. really, steamingly, foully pissed off. lately, i've been annoyed. but there's nothing like a good dose of bullshit to send you over the edge.

mostly, i've been mildly annoyed by relationships, largely because i don't have one right now. seems like everyone else has figured out how to find their special one and only, and that's far more interesting that being with friends. even people i don't know have annoyed me. i'll be riding the T or walking thru the park and i'll see people holding hands and being all kissy face, and i don't like it.

i'll admit it. i'm envious. i want what they have. it's not a pretty emotion, but there you have it. and as i think about getting older, it feeds the envy. unless a medical miracle occurs, it's highly unlikely that i'll celebrate a 50th anniversary with someone. it's just too late for that. and when they did the Black Thursday stories about all the cute little old couples who have been together for 50, 53, 54 years - i got mad.

i try not to obsess about it, but floating around in the back of my mind is the thought that i'm going to be alone for a good long time, maybe always. i know i'm smart and attractive and lovable. hell, i've been married. but somehow, things don't seem to be clicking. the only phone numbers i get these days are from 60 year old professors who, frankly, don't have a chance in hell.

so i've been cranky. and then a series of things happened, and now i'm full blown pissed off. see, when my ex dumped me, for the second time, he said he never really meant it when he said he wanted to spend his life with me. he just thought it was a good thing to say. he didn't think he'd ever get married because 'commitment isn't for [him]'. he just liked the sex. okay, fine. i can recover from that. but he should have then crawled into a cave for the rest of his life. did he? no.

no, he has a new girlfriend who is attractive and well endowed, possibly better than me (don't even ask how i know that). he's taken her on a romantic vacation, of his own volition. (trying to get him to even take a weekend with me was like pulling teeth - with tweezers.) he's starting a new business of his own, hopefully with the goal of getting out of his current job, something he wanted to do years ago and which i supported. the new job? is in the wedding industry.

i read his press material. big fucking mistake. i wanted to throw things at the monitor. i wanted to scream. i wanted to go outside and smoke a cig and rant and rave. i wanted to call him up and say 'where did all this fucking positive belief in love and commitment come from? is it all a fucking lie that you invented to drum up business? or, worse, do you really believe that steaming pile of happy horseshit? and did you lie to me?'

let me make something clear - i do not want him back. but i am angry. i am furious that all the things that should have happened while we were together are happening now. i feel that i've been cheated out of things somehow. why the fuck couldn't he take me on a vacation? why couldn't he motivate himself to change jobs then? why did i get all of the pain and none of the reward? why is it that i had to see him thru tough spots and then get my ass unceremoniously dumped? i deserve gold stars, damn it, and a ticker tape parade, and appreciation. instead, the only tangible thing i have from those years is a Zippo and a fair amount of bitterness.

grrrr.

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