the danish outpost
updated when time and inspiration allow. latest and greatest always in the blog.
the more things change...

2001-04-27

feeling kinda how a girl feels

listening to Ellis Paul...

when he looked into a starry sky up on Jupiter
its cold moons making their weary rounds
did he know that the Pope would claim that he ran with Lucifer?
and a prison cell would be where he'd lay his head down?
was he wearing a thorny crown?
when he plotted the motion of planets,
was Mercury in retrograde?
but he found the truth when a lie was what was demanded.
when the judges asked him pointedly,
he was a-trembling with fear.

did Galileo pray?

and he said...
tell Ptolemy, tell Copernicus
that the sun is at the core of us
the Church, the Pope can't deny a Milky Way.
and every flower that's followed a sun
has known all along what God has done
they whisper truth as the seasons inch away

the reason i pulled the story back last night: i posted it up, very excited to have found my writing from six years ago, and happy all over again about my writing. but when i woke up this morning, i realized that what i had posted was from a place that i'm not familiar with these days. i need to make some emotional peace with where i was, so that i can step back and look at it just as writing. i wrote it all for personal comsumption, not publication, and there's just a lot more there than i'm willing to let myself face right now.

i'm working on the emotional bit, because i really want to share those stories with you. it's all fiction, and that's not something i write a lot of. so it's good to reconnect with that part of the writer in me. it'll be back, i promise.

for now, this bit seems good. it's a snapshot from where i was about four years ago. interesting to see that no matter how much things change, they stay the same.

odd, disconcerting balancing act... when i was young, my brother and i had a metal top. pump it really hard, listen to the bells tumbling, and it would spin for minutes, glittering, refracted sparkles of deep colour, humming hard. as it slowed, the patterns would come clear, and the bells would jingle around as the top slowly teetered, mumbling off into the corner before tipping over. i catch myself feeling like that last moment.

where do i go with this? youíve walked into my life, and it seems like a good thing. but iím off center, unsure, deathly curious about what will happen.

you left me frustrated... only a kiss goodnight, and no tongue! damn... all i want is to see you again, to explore, to find out who you are, to get inside your head (a very foreign country, if the early signs are any indication), to know where you come from.

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you.... i want your arms around me... i want your warm body against mine i want to feel you breathing against my back i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you.... tears rolling down my face, and i canít find a way to tell you where i am. i spend nights weeping over how close you and i were, and hoping that you might feel as sad as i am when i miss you. i wish there were words to tell you how much i want to have you back in my life. you are the most important person in my life. it doesnít even matter if we end up together... i will still always be in love with you. i wish i could tell you how much you matter to me. youíve made a huge difference in my life, in a good way. and i will *always* love you. if nothing else, i am grateful for the energy and love you have given me. i just wish i could do as much for you. and i miss you....... iím crying too much to write anything else.

the fact that youíve thrown our friendship out the window, along with everything else, hurts me more than you saying that you canít be my lover anymore. i mean... i really thought our friendship meant something. but youíve cast this off, along with the rest of it. and that hurts more than anything. i feel less than nothing when i think about this.

i wish i could find a way to tell you that i cry myself to sleep every night. i donít want to tell you because i think you might take it as an accusation, but thatís not how i mean it... i just think.... that weíre friends, and i worry about my friends, and assume that you might do the same. well. you might worry about it, but you canít/wonít act.

more than anything, i wish we could both be happy. together or apart, i really wish we could both find places where we didnít worry about so much, but were just relatively comfortable with where we are. and yes, it would probably be more work for me than you...but i still think we could both get there, and find a way to be happy with our friendship.

and can you really never find a way to be friends? that hurts so much.... for you to just cast me off. i know that part of it has nothing to do with me, and a lot to do with where you are in your life, and i really, really try to understand.... but it hurts. it hurts so much. i donít blame you. at all. and i donít hold you responsible. but i wish i could talk with you about all this.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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