26.06.2002
feeling kinda
i took this picture ages ago, and have been meaning to post it for quite a while. i don't much enjoy messing around with graphics, so i've been dragging my feet. but today seems like a good day to do this.
this was one of my Christmas presents from my mother. (told you i'd been dragging my feet!) around my last birthday or so, maybe earlier, she and i had gone to an antique store down the road from their house. i was keyed in on a few other things - looking for a small night table, salt cellars, Fiestaware, and a binnacle. well, honestly, i wasn't *looking* for the binnacle. i got a few things, and oohed and aahed over some others. and i very nearly bought the daily double. it cracked me up to no end, and i wanted it just for the humor factor, not that i was ever going to use it. i mean, where is there still an office where you can sit at your desk, in white shirt and tie, with your cup of coffee and cigarette? somewhere back in the 50s, at best.
and then i forgot about it. come Christmas, and i'm unwrapping a smallish box. there, much to my surprise, was the daily double! couldn't believe that mom went back and got it for me.
on the one hand, it was really sweet. i laughed, and showed it around, and brought it home. it's lived on my china hutch pretty much since then.
on the other hand, i feel pretty ambivalent that my parents acknowledge my smoking. i'm not proud of my addiction. and when i first started, i thought i hid it pretty well from them. then one year in college, they gave me a toilet ashtray for my birthday. i left the room in tears. i don't know if they meant it to be funny, but i took it as the rebuke that it was meant to be, at least in part. i know they're not happy with my smoking. hell, *i'm* not happy with my smoking. and part of my brain still wants to be the perfect child for them.
i'm not even going to get into all the 'first child, pushed to excel, fear of failure' crapola. it's worth exploring, and i have some, and i will some more. but not right now. suffice it to say, i feel huge pangs of remorse whenever my smoking is mentioned or acknowledged in a family setting.
all that being said, i still find my daily double amusing. ;)
