the danish outpost
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candles in the night

23.09.2001

feeling kinda how a girl feels

well, *today* was exciting. i drove around a lot. i don't think i made it over 20 miles an hour the whole time. man, oh man... learning to drive is boring. start car, find first, don't stall, stop car, put it in neutral. lather, rinse, repeat. throw in a little reverse and second, just for giggles, and you've got yourself a fun filled, jam packed hour of automotive fun!

i'm whinging a bit, but it was a good lesson. ChicaBean took me over to Mount Auburn Cemetery, which is the perfect place to learn. small roads, lots of turns and intersections, some hills, not too many other drivers.

i was still bored after an hour. it's not as if i have this mastered. i don't. but you can only repeat the same lesson so many times before brain rot sets is. that, plus i don't have a well developed clutch muscle yet. sounds dumb, but my left leg hurt a lot. yes, i'm wimpy. shut up.

poor Sunday drivers (quite literally) - i kept driving by the same small old man, who was just driving around minding his own business. ooo - nice moment - came around a corner and saw something in the road, so i stopped. it was a cardinal taking a bath in the little round puddle right in the middle of the road. we sat there for a few minutes, watching, because it seemed mean to cut his bath short. pretty.

after all of that, we decided to grab some lunch and go shopping. we've been meaning to get my rugs for a few weeks now, and CB had some stuff to get as well.

now, you'd think that picking out a few rugs would be easy. i mean, i went in with rugs in mind. and there were only 6 or 7 designs to choose from. oh, no, boy. twasn't that easy at all. remember how long it took me to pick out a couch? 8 months. didn't take quite that long, but it took long enough. probably the better part of an hour (altho i'm sure CB will argue as to which was the better part, that or the leaving the store). took every damn one of them down, flopped them out on the floor in various combinations, and then some other combinations, and then just one more. i wanted to get two complementary designs, because two of the same would look silly, and two too disparate designs would make the room look too small by chopping it up, visually.

it came down to me not being able to make up my mind and picking three, figuring i could toss the other one in my bedroom. then, on the way to the checkout, i did the math. and i dropped my head into the shopping cart and moaned. i grabbed one of the rugs, crammed it back in the display, and strode to the register. sounds like high drama, dunnit? over a rug. how silly. but if you'd seen the total, you might have hemmed and hawed over your choice, too.

we stopped at the mall after that, to look for a few more things, and i went looking for a few albums. yeah, yeah, i know. i have no shelf space for them. hush. go figure - Sam Goody in a mall had none of the mainstream stuff i wanted, but did have the Si*Sť album that i forgot to get at the club the other night. huh. i would say stranger things have happened, but i can't think of one off the top of my head.

when we got back, i decided to clean up the living room. i've had all sorts of stuff tucked in corners and under tables for a while, and this seemed like a good opportunity to take care of all that. cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, got all the computer parts packed up in a box and stored away in a closet. then i put the new rugs down, and things look good. adult, almost. the colors work pretty well, and the rug in front of the couch is perfect. i'm going to have to live with the other one for a bit before i decide. the colors are nice, but it's smaller than i thought it would be. don't know if it's actually too small for the space, or just smaller than what i'm used to seeing. we'll see.

i called my parents to tell them about the successful driving, since they're curious. ended up talking to dad about snow tires. i have no idea how to tell if my tires are good enough. it's not like we live in chains-on-snow-tires country, but it's still important to have tires hefty enough. he gave me a great tip - take a penny, and stick Lincoln head first into the treads. if you can still see Lincoln's head, you don't have enough tread. nifty, eh? my dad.

so that seems like a pretty normal day, doesn't it? but i'm still feeling off balance. i've had a lot of nasty dreams recently. one involved the wench who assaulted me. this time, she was ahead of me in line at a bagel counter in the Garage (some variation on the real place). she looked at me, and i said 'no' several times, loudly. didn't stop her from attacking me again, even after i asked Karen to call security. (such a mish mash of my real life.) and then there was the On the Beach dream. you ever read that? by Neville Schute, i think, about a post-nuclear world. something like that. it started in a wierd house that was sort of like my grandparents, and there was oddness about trying to find a working bathroom, and some other things. and then i looked up at the skyline. one of the buildings was on fire, pale orange misty flames shooting out the top to one side. and then, suddenly, all the buildings were on fire. the whole city was burning. i ran back inside to find my mother, and all i could do was hold onto her, and cry 'mama! mama!' over and over again, wanting the badness to go away.

in an effort to help purge some of this out of my head, i'd planned on going down to the candle shrine in Davis. while we were out shopping, i got all kinds of candles - pillars and votives. when i was done with the living room, i cleaned up, called a friend, and then headed out to catch the bus. small moment of niceness - the guy waiting with me asked me if i had a pass, and got me on the bus for free. i'd totally forgotten that you can ride two for one on Sundays. how sweet of him!

got down there, and went into Store 18 to get some matches. i fully intended to buy a box of book matches, but there were none to be had. so i asked the guy behind the counter if i could grab a handful from by the register. he looked around, and then tucked a box in my bag. :)

i walked over to the traffic island, and put my bag down. there were a few people there, and we were all relighting candles, and generally tidying up. i pulled out the box of matches, unwrapped it, and left it by the side, along with the box of votive candles. it seemed like the right thing to do, for people who just walked by and wanted to do something themselves. i tucked a few of the pillars in where there were blank spots, and then found a place for mine. it's an aromatherapy candle, for renewal and healing. i knelt down and prayed, saying a few words for the people i know, and sending out blessings for everyone. it felt good, in the sense of acknowledging and letting go. i walked into the night after that with a sense of peace, letting the dark wrap itself around me.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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