2001-03-23

feeling kinda

if i told you now
i really felt
if i told you now
leave our children here
if i told you now
i'm just passing through

this world is not my home
passing through
this world is not my home
i'm just passing through

i can't live at home in this world anymore

this world where my children
have gone before
this world where my children
have gone before

i can't live at home in this world anymore
i can't live at home in this world ...

Last One, by His Name is Alive

picked up the HNIA CD Always Stay Sweet last night after dinner. i'd heard them a while ago; someone was playing their album Stars on ESP in a used record place, and i loved the track i heard. sort of gospelly, sort of folk, but fresh. of course, the CD belonged to the guy behind the counter, and he wasn't selling. so i've been carrying around a little PostIt note in my wallet for a few months, with the name of the album. and for some reason, last night, i wanted to get it. couldn't find it, but i did find Always Stay Sweet. it's the kind of music that takes some listening to get into, and i was sort of half paying attention while i was battering away at a spreadsheet. and then this cut came on. Last One. this is it, this is the song that made me want the other album. turns out i had accidentally gotten a 'best of' album. well, there you go. sometimes serendipity looks your way.

the funny (sad or silly, you decide) thing was, while we were waiting to pay for my CDs, my best friend and i were listening to the music in the store. it was some old school sort of thing, Stones or Clapton or something from the Serious School of Guitars. i turned to her and said 'they just don't write them like this anymore.' and we realized how bad that sounded. it was a whole 'back in the day, when *we* were growing up, we had real music. with real guitars. and real rock stars. yeah.' kind of moment. damn. the worst part? it's true. they don't make them like that anymore.

on a different note, a friend wrote the other day, asking how i'm doing... and here's part of what i wrote back.

how am i doing... working up to really angry, as a defense mechanism. if i'm angry, i don't connect with the part of me that still loves him. and if i don't connect with that, then it doesn't hurt as much. it's unfair to be mad at him, i know; he made his choices for his reasons, and it's not that either of us is at fault this time around. we just don't work together. but part of me is furious with him for being an idiot and walking away from the best thing that will ever happen to him. and part of me is angry with myself - thinking that if this were true love, i'd understand that he's terrified of commitment to the point that he may never be able to do it, and i should be more compassionate and understanding. but it keeps coming back around to knowing what i need.

i'm working on being okay with being alone. particularly since this is at least a long term if not permanent state, it's kind of important to find some balance.

sounds fatalistic, doesn't it? it isn't, really. it's just the way things are now. around the next corner, i'll find something different. who knows what it might be? whatever it is, i want to be ready for it. strong, and centered, and happy with me. if the next corner brings bad things, i'll have the strength to get thru it. if it brings good things, i'll have something to build on. more likely, it'll be a mix, not good or bad, just life in a different direction. since it never comes with a map, it's always an adventure to see where we go.

oh, hey - today's little accomplishment? i signed up for a PO box. for a variety of reasons, i needed to get one. finally made it to the post office - HUGE effort. it's right behind my office building. 8P so we do all the paperwork, and i get the keys, and go to try them out. and it was the oddest sensation - last time i had a PO box was in college. i loved going to box 0605, twirling the little combination knobs on the old-fashioned curliqued metal face, and pulling out my mail. and now i have a PO box again. the number is very appealing, almost a palindrome. so i crossed a chore off the list, and got my moment of nostalgia.

yesterday :: tomorrow