the danish outpost
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turmoil on the home front

22.10.2001

feeling kinda how a girl feels

it's been a light day at work. my boss is out sick. and i've just been puttering around, not doing much of anything, contemplating feeling friendless.

it gets harder as we get older, i think, to keep friends. it's tougher to meet new people, fill them in on all your back story, and get up to running speed. it's more challenging to find the tolerance to give them some space.

*sigh* where is all of this coming from, you might ask? ask away.

there have been major shifts or discussions with three people who are very important to me. and then, of course, there was The Boy. why i ever thought that one would work out is beyond me. he was an asshole eight years ago, and he's still an asshole.

and there have been a myriad of other things going on, with family and other friends. change isn't bad. change is healthy and normal and good. but damn it! is it really necessary to repaint the wall, change the carpeting, reupholster the furniture, *and* rewire the house, all at once? can't we do just a few small changes at a time? like, say, maybe hanging a new painting?

i get flustered having this much change happening. and it's not as if there aren't just as many changes going on for others. in some ways, the shifts are even more central for them.

but this is where i get to talk all about me. journalling is a form of therapy. and i need to do a little of that right now.

seen thru the prism of my life, there's just too much going on right now. i want people to stop having problems. i want there to not be any conflict. i don't want to argue, i don't want to worry, i don't want there to be any bad stuff. i wish everyone could just be warm and fuzzy and happy and charming and get along and play nicely. and if that sounds really goopy, so be it. that's still what i want.

*sigh* okay, fine. i don't always look thru the rose colored glasses. but it's tough not to want that when you're tired, emotionally and physically.

relationships of all flavors and sizes are a lot of work. family ones, you can kind of put off a little, because they're family and they'll always be there. but that just instigates a lot of guilt, because they're family and it's bad to take them for granted.

friends you hope you can talk things thru. but even with the closest of friends, the two of you never operate in a vacuum. other personalities come in to play. and then suddenly you're not talking to one person, you're talking to the whole auditorium. it's not a bad thing; it's just the way things are. but it does make negotiating that tightrope of friendship more challenging.

and then there's work. frankly, i haven't had much to give to the workplace lately. i know there should be a divider, a little moat separating personal and professional. you know what? my self, who i am, is not that neatly compartmentalized. (oh, stop laughing. just because i try to keep the emotional file cabinet nice and orderly doesn't mean it works.)

i can't have one face that i wear outside, around my friends or in line at the store, and another face that i put on when i'm in the office. yes, i approach each situation differently. but the underlying me-ness is still the same. cynical, hopeful, trusting, smartass, funny, loyal, wary, opinionated - all of that is always there. i don't know how to turn it on and off.

*snicker* i just had this image of Self as Sink pop into my head - shiny steel sink, with two sparkling faucets, Personal and Professional. interestingly, Professional is where the hot water would normally be. now i wonder why that is? oh, cripes. y'know, i don't have the patience to get all Freudian with that one.

so that's the jumble that's the inside of my head the last few days and weeks. i've been thinking a lot about relationships, all kinds of them, and how we try to protect the self and nurture the us. i've been wondering how we do the balancing act that we do with our friends. i've done some navel gazing on my place in life - life in general, and how i fit into other peoples' lives. i've been thinking, long and hard, about what it is that others see in me as valuable. i've been looking at what i value in my friends, and wondering how they see themselves, how others see them, and where it all intersects.

and i've really wanted my brain to shut up. because all of this pondering gets heavy.

thankfully, i have friends like pat who send me stupid shit on a regular basis. and he sent me one today that had me giggling. i won't post it here, if only because i'm too lazy to code it up so's it would pop up in another window. and that really would be the thing to do. it just wouldn't do to have it hanging out there for everyone.

it's an animated gif that demonstrates why stick people are extinct. let's just say that friction isn't always your friend. ;)

yesterday :: tomorrow

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