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holidays... eh?

2000-11-22

feeling kinda how a girl feels

holidays suck.

i am so not in the mood for holidays. and it's not like i'm a scrooge, i just don't like all the baggage that comes with holidays.

as i think i said before, y'know, when you're 10 and still believe in Santa Claus, the holidays are a great time. you go to school, you get to draw hand-turkeys, you can plan out what you want to ask Santa for when you visit him, you look forward to a week off from school, and life is good.

and then you grow up.

and suddenly, the holidays are about responsibility, and money, and malls, and shopping, and worrying about balancing your bills and your rent and your gift list and (oh yeah) groceries. suddenly, the holidays aren't the same carefree blast. why does this have to happen? why can't the holidays be fun for everyone?

i talked to my mom last week (thank you so much for calling, mom) - and she's been dealing with severe chronic depression recently. when she asked if i was coming down for T-day, i felt guilty saying no because i was the one invited guest. also, the one invited sibling - doesn't always pay to be single. the others have in-laws, but i can be at the beck and call of others as a single person. when i told mom i didn't think i'd be down, she said it was fine - and i asked if there was a weekend soon i could come visit, because i would very much like to catch up with mom. mum mentioned that holidays are hard for her because she feels that the kids (read: me, in part) have high expectations of what she should do. this was interesting to hear, because on one level it's true. mom has always made the holidays a treat for us, and it's taken a long time to be able to appreciate how much of an effort that is. also, i've been dealing with depression off and on for the last few years, and it makes complete sense to me that she just has no interest in putting on a show.

even more interesting was hearing my sister's reaction. i tend to forget that she's much younger than me (7 years) because she is a wonderful, articulate, together person. she also trained me to not call her my younger sister anymore (you only have one sister - why put a modifier out there?). she has a harder time with this than i do. she was very upset that mom didn't want to see her (sis said she was coming down the day after). and i can totally get behind the rejection factor, but there are more factors in play. mum is trying to rebuild her psyche, her life, her self-image. if she says no, no is fine. it doesn't make sense to get upset; just offer love and hugs, and wait, and hope it all turns out well.

(knock on wood)

so, the bottom line - i'm not going home for thanksgiving. i have 3 separate invitations up here, and (get this) none of them conflict. basically, i'll be eating for 12 hours straight. if you trip over someone face down in the gutter on friday, burping turkey, that will be me. 8)

happy thanksgiving, y'all. travel safely, enjoy the time with friends and family, and remember that there is no sin in second helpings.

yesterday tomorrow

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