2001-04-22
feeling kinda
it's been gorgeous today - 84� and sunny. go figure. last week it was 35� and snowing. gotta love New England, eh? i had the windows open to air out the apartment, and the cats loved sitting up there, watching everything. watching, that is, until it got windy. they don't like wind. i suppose cats would never go for the hanging out the car window thing, huh?
so ken asked an interesting question last night. what band would i really want to get tickets for, would i crawl over dead bodies to secure the last ticket? (or something like that... it was late.) and i sat there for a minute, trying to pick one. 'just one?' 'yup.' huh. and i couldn't come up with a single one.
then i thought, this is crazy. there are tons of bands that i'd be very excited to get tickets for. my lame ass answer? Dave Matthews Band. that's one band i haven't seen, because they always sell out, and at outrageous prices. well, yeah, there are lots of other bands i'd like to see. but most of them i've seen at least once. i wouldn't mind seeing, say, Ani DiFranco or Barenaked Ladies again. i've seen them, tho. so it's not a matter of life or death. then again, neither is DMB, really. and lots of other shows are certainly doable. i just don't always motivate to get there.
i sound so blas� about it all. really, i love music, and i love live shows. it makes all the difference in the world to be part of a crowd, to watch the performers feed off the audience and vice versa.
so i thought about it some more, and realized that the tickets i would truly kill for are the impossible ones. i tried to see Morphine a few times, and for one reason or another it never worked out. and now Mark Sandman is dead. if i could use the Way-Back Machine (� Mr. Peabody) and see them just one time, hang out in a loud, smoky local club and watch Mark and Morphine work their magic, get all hot and sweaty dancing around, i'd be a happy happy girl.
this got me to thinking about regrets. i don't really have that many. sure, there's plenty of stupid stuff i've said and done that probably shouldn't have happened, but if you spent all your time trying to rewrite your life, you'd never go anywhere. mostly, acknowlege and move on. the regrets i do have: never saw the Grateful Dead. mind you, i was dating someone for a time who went to every possible show, so it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. i just... wasn't into them. not then. now i think they're wonderful. and i would love to be there for just one show.
not moving to Alaska is another one. i had just taken a three month contract job with the DEM, and Craig called me. i was stunned and thrilled to hear from him (can you tell it was a big time crush?), and even more flabbergasted when he offered me a job. at a museum. working with him. in Alaska. how much more perfect could it have been? do the thing i love, in a place i want to explore, with a man i crushed on? but nooooooo. some WASPy, responsible part of me kicked in and said 'i'd love to, Craig. [pause] but i just took this contract, and i really think i should honor it.' gah! argh! i'm still kicking myself over that one, every time i remember lying on the Green with Craig, watching the sunlight play off his silver bracelet, and being amazed that he was interested in me in any fashion. bah.
the last one is kind of silly. you know when you're watching someone do that impossible thing that in your dreams you'd like to think you could have done? like, say, win a gold medal for gymnastics? and you realize, 'hey, that kid is half my age.' and the thudding realization arrives. you will never be a teen gymnast. ever. not in this lifetime, anyway.
as regrets go, i suppose they're pretty tame. but hey, they're mine. *g*
