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uneasy nights

21.06.2002

feeling kinda how a girl feels

aaaaand - once again, i was too wiped out to go to work. not body tired, understand, but emotional tired, altho that does translate into bone deep exhaustion.

i've been tamping down a whole lotta shit lately, repeating my mantra 'it will all be fine, it will all be fine, it will all be fine...'. (repeat as needed) i know i need to get thru my days, get work done, do some chores, and generally care for and feed myself and the kitties. but knowing and doing are two very different things sometimes.

y'know, the human brain is a wonderful, scary, amazing, creative thing. and apparently what my brain saw fit to do was take all the crap i've been stressing about and feed them all into The Random Nightmare Generator.

so rather than getting a good night's sleep after a pleasant evening watching street performers and having a nice dinner and chat, i spent the entire night tossing and turning, occasionally waking up with the heebie jeebies and cold sweats. blech. not what i was hoping for *at all*.

*shakes head* i mean, i sort of like that i can dream entire spy novels. it's nifty to wake up and remember whole complicated plots. but when the plots involve being hunted down in snowdrifts a la Anna Karenina crossed with Blade Runner, it's not cool.

i still have a clear image of the building where most of the action took place. it looks a lot like a quasi-museum that i've dreamt of before. and the quasi-museum dream was no treat, either. in the new dream, it was all in shades of yellow, ivory, and dusty mocha.

there were cars involved (some sort of indoor car lot), politicians (one of whom was going to have me executed it i did the wrong thing), wierd ass mazes in three and four dimensions - sort of like being stuck in the worst first player game ever, an older house that served as the stage for a deadly cat-and-mouse game, limos that looked like hyped up old touring cars in which arrived an older blond who gave an icy look to all of us (prelude to violence and mayhem), trying to hunt down three killers who had shot a fourth person (all the killers were dressed in black jeans and leather jackets, and somehow i ended up inside one of their heads, seeing the act happen), seeing the inside of the SUV they were driving, the floor littered with large black handguns and jackets, and trying to drag the river for the vehicle after they had driven off the bridge. dragging the river - i somehow got a Discovery Channel view of the bridge, and them driving off it, and where the truck was, and the helicopter with sonar trying to trace it. they reinforced the bridge walls after that. when they dragged the car out, mud and weeds came pouring out the open doors. the car was taken to an impound yard, and i watched friends of mine who had been cast as forensic detectives hunt for clues. and then the politicial who was in charge of the indoor car lot sent minions to hunt me down in the old house, and i watched them chase a young woman in a yellow dress thru the snow, because the blond in the limo had seen her.

there were more details, of course, but i don't remember them. i do remember walking down alongside the river by the neighborhood that doesn't really exist there (the river is real) and walking into James Earl Jones, in graduation regalia, and wrestling him to the ground.

and there were other dreams. my aunt surfaced in one of them, and i've blocked all the details on that one, because it was far too painful. and i got some very detailed phone calls that sounded so much like the real thing that i woke up convinced that ChicaBeanie was never speaking to me again, and i'd been dumped by someone i hadn't even dated because i'm a freak, too wierd to date, and an unhealthy influence. i also dreamed that i was on welfare, and that the local tribunal court pilloried me in public for contesting the annulment.

needless to say, i was not a happy camper when i finally got up. i had a splitting migraine, and needed to nap. i wanted to read, or watch TV - anything to distract myself. but i couldn't concentrate, so napping was the best alternative. took some melatonin, and was a lump all day.

about the only silver lining in all of this was that the friends i was supposed to meet for dinner and catching up (haven't seen them in about a year) got into town too late and too tired to socialize. so at least i didn't blow them off, as i would have had to turn them down if they had called ready to go.

*sigh* i suppose it's about time to find the energy i need to face some of this stuff, so i can get thru it all and find the sunny, happy place on the other side. and that will give me the strength to make peace with the things that won't go away.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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