the danish outpost
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luftballoon

20.10.2001

feeling kinda how a girl feels

well, the theory about taking a day off to recuperate leaving me with a whole weekend to be productive sort of worked. i did manage to get a fair amount of stuff accomplished. no thanks to my neighbor, tho.

my crazy Russian neighbor woke me up again this morning. he spent a good 10 or 15 minutes ringing my doorbell. i did my level best to ignore it, figuring that he'd take the hint and leave me alone. i mean, it's a small apartment. if i'm there, it only takes about a minute to walk all the way across the place.

but no. ding dong. ding dong. ding dong. ding dong. i know it's him. he's the only person around who's enough of an asshole to do this. and i know why he's out there. he wants me to move the car that's blocking his car. there are only two problems with this: it's not my car. and he's illegally parked.

see, here's the thing. i actually do have some manners. if parking out back will block someone in, i park on the street. and when i do park out back, i always leave enough room for people to get around me. and there's about a driveway and a half between the two houses. the way the property line goes, we have a full driveway. he has less than half a driveway. he also doesn't have anywhere to put the car out back, but that's beside the point. he doesn't have right of way, and he knew that when he bought the house.

as i explained to him the last time he woke me up at the ass crack of dawn with his little door bell ringing expedition, if he parked legally, we wouldn't have this issue.

he was lucky to get a conversation out of me that time. for those of you who have experienced the pleasure (and i use the term very loosely) of my company before i've had caffeine or a shower, you know that the man is taking his life in his hands by doing what he's doing. this time, he wasn't so lucky. when i finally couldn't take it anymore and it became clear that he was going to persist until he burnt out the buzzer, i crawled out of bed, stomped to the front door, yanked open the door, and squinted at him. then i slammed the door shut and went to take a hot shower. i was already up by then, anyway, and the water sort of drowned out the persistent ding, dong. see? he didn't know how good he had it the first time.

he had better not pull this shit a third time, is all i can say. because if he does, i may get the cops after him for harassment. okay, okay, i know that technically it's not harassment. try telling that to my tired body, tho. it sure feels harassed.

*sigh* anyway... so, puttering around, cleaning, organizing, and thinking about the value of friendships. i was supposed to meet up with a friend this weekend for a driving lesson. it was tentative, in the sense of 'sometime this weekend', but it was going to happen. then i hear last night that he booked himself all weekend, and couldn't come by.

i let it slide last night, but today i thought about it some more. and it comes down to me feeling really blown off. rather than figuring out which of the three possible times would work, he just took me off the calendar, saying he had other plans.

he knows how much i'm relying on my friends to help me get to the point where i'm independently wheeled. and he says he's willing to help. but it doesn't feel like i much matter, right now.

so i called to tell him i felt a little hurt and disappointed. turns out it wasn't that he had other plans, as he had said. he just needed some down time.

it bothers me that he didn't feel like he could say that, that lying was a better alternative. as if what he said was any better! i explained that i value truth and honesty above all, and would much rather have heard the truth - he didn't feel like he could help because he needed some alone time - than have felt like there were tons of more fabulous, interesting people than me, and that i could be dropped like a hot potato when they came along.

maybe i'm being oversensitive. no, wait a minute - no, i'm not. lying has always bothered me. and try being involved with a compulsive liar for a few years and see how that tweaks your head.

plus i've felt really untethered recently. i'm struggling with depression again, some of which comes from recent public events; some of it is seasonal. the change in daylight always fucks with my head. and i feel like i'm losing friends, or having them taken away from me. all of this makes me want to burrow down away from everyone and everything, which only makes things spiral even further down.

well, that was a bit of a segue. the upshot of the conversation was that he listened, and apologized. mostly, i just wanted him to listen. the apology was icing.

and then i decided i couldn't stay in the house by myself any longer. the voices in my head get way too loud when i do that. so i hooked up with a friend and headed down to the brewery. had a few beers, ate some dinner, played a few rounds of cribbage, watched half of the deleterious duo flirt hard with a couple of women at the end of the bar, and generally felt more connected.

the flirting was funny... i sat there, dissecting their outfits and generally being very catty, talking to my friend. and while DD is flirting with those two, he keeps looking over at me and winking! *raises eyebrow* hey, if you're gonna work it, work it all the way, i guess. :)

it's good to have friends who can help you get out of your funk, even for a little while.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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