the danish outpost
updated when time and inspiration allow. latest and greatest always in the blog.
bravo, my boy.

2001-07-19

feeling kinda how a girl feels

today has been an exercise in aging. truly. i got in this morning and had to do a basic task that i've done a million flippin' times - move an XMIT flat file from one LPAR to another. not rocket science. it's the mainframe equiv of zipping a file and FTPing it to a friend.

but i appear to have lost the one brain cell that carried the info i needed. i very nearly beat my head on the terminal for a few straight hours, asking everyone and their brother how i could get this done. i got some very creative answers. but i didn't want creativity. i wanted the one simple step.

after tearing apart all my notes and files to find the teensy weensy scrap of paper with the highly cryptic directions and failing to unearth it, i finally cried Uncle and pulled lloyd out of a meeting. that also ended the meeting, which was probably a good thing, as they all looked like they wanted to spit or take a nap.

wouldn't you know... as soon as i ask for his help and he trots off to Get Things Done, and i go off to announce to my boss that i am officially The Village Idiot, i remembered where i squirrelled away the batch job. this is why i couldn't remember the line commands. there aren't any. submit the job, go on your merry way. gah. hey, at least (as he so kindly pointed out when i announced my idiocy) my boss and i found something on which we can agree. ;) (yes, that was humor, and yes, i did get it. he's a good boss. mostly.)

oh, lordy... just makes me feel old and frustrated. it's intensely frustrating to forget something that you've done so many times you should be able to do it blindfolded in your sleep. fortunately, i did manage to get it all done, and i'm not likely to forget how any time real soon now. :)

so... on a completely different note: if you've been following the stories here for a bit, you know that some personal stress has come out of watching my ex destroy himself. i got some wonderful news today. he went to an ACOA meeting last night.

you have no idea how good it is for my heart to be able to write that. i'm grinning and teary and hopeful.

a bit of backstory: i've been struggling with our friendship. parts of it went badly. i've left distraught messages for him. he's helped as much as he can, and stood back when he can't. i got a similar message from him recently. 'i'm not okay. but it's not your problem.' *click* now, what the hell kind of message is that? it took a few days to chase him down and see what was up. it would appear that pablo and the roommates did an intervention with him the other night. he was humiliated by the whole thing, but we talked for a while.

it's painful to know that it's come to this. and while we were talking, he still resisted the idea of alcholism as a disease. i pushed a little to see if he'd go to a meeting, any kind of meeting, but he didn't seem to want that. the last thing i did offer to him was the comment that he should be kind to himself, because this is a difficult thing to face. he remarked that it's often easier to beat yourself up. oh, i'm so right there with you, my friend... which is exactly why i said you should be kind to yourself. it's what you need.

he called today to tell me that he'd gone to a meeting last night. ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics; i've gone to a meeting myself, just to get a handle on what he might be going thru. it's eye opening, lemme tell you. the emotional scarring that happens to children in an emotionally unsafe environment, where they're told to lie and cover up the facts, where affection is not freely given, or sporadically at best... that stunted undergrowth can stay with you for a long time, in very subtle ways. it did help me begin to see why commitment and closeness can be such a difficult thing for earl. if you've never had those tools, if all you've had is mistrust, how do you learn to be there with/for another person?

*ring* hang on a sec... *soft smile* so, earl just called again. he dropped his car off to get some work done, and wanted to know how to get to another meeting tonight, by bus. and knowing that i'm the Queen of Public Transportation, he called me to find out how to do it. heh... good for you, earl. truly, it does my heart good to see you taking steps to care for yourself, and a big step at that. i'm really proud of you, kiddo.

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