2001-02-19
feeling kinda
part deux (which i rarely do)
i'm tired. i'm just tired. tired of holding up the relationship. tired of begging for the emotional scraps. tired of being the 'demanding' one, the 'pushy' one. tired of being blamed for knowing myself well enough to know what i want. tired of expecting commitment and being disappointed. tired of being told that commitment is overrated. tired all around.
anger drains your energy, as well. i got angry last night, angrier than i've let myself be in a long time. my temper has been my enemy, my b�te noire for as long as i can remember. so i rarely let it out. last night, it escaped. the frustration was just too much, and my anger literally blinded me. i couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't hear much of what was coming out of my mouth. anger is a drug, in a way. it shuts down the logical part of your brain. the reasoning is short circuited and the emotions have free access to the outside world. what i do know is that most of the verbal salvos i've been letting myself say internally were probably fired last night. and they were probably painful for being accurate.
even worse, he says he understands my frustration. it makes sense to him. he loves me, and he wants me to be happy. but he won't change. and that just may be the way it is.
i disagree. people can change. that's the wonderful, scary, exhilarating thing about being human. we can change. i think that i'm paying the price for his issues. for any number of reasons, he doesn't think he can do this, so he refuses to try, because failure frightens him more than being alone.
the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the disappointment are a familiar place these days. i've been in this place too often. the situation isn't all that dramatic, really. it's just a dull ache. i wonder how to get thru the day and realize that it will happen somehow, it happened somehow before. i'll go to work, and trudge thru the meetings and memos. i'll go to the gym and shut my mind off for a while on the treadmill. i'll pick up some groceries, get myself home, feed the cats and empty my brain, filling it with bad TV. and at some point, i'll start to come back to the surface, a little sadder, a little less willing to trust.
::sigh:: i don't know what's going to happen. we'll talk about it, most likely. maybe he'll say something that will make a difference. or maybe things will stay the same. either way, i am tired.
still playing in the CD: Treat Her Right.
there must be a reason
why i feel so bad
you reach out to touch me
i cannot reach back
i don't believe you love me
so i won't be there
when you crawl thru my window tonight
the other dream will stare
don't know why
it's come to that
dry your eyes
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
there's a bed time story
lovers, war and kings
they belong to yesterday
as if it were a dream
but there were times you held me
when we became the sky
and everything the song of peace
and part of you and i
don't know why
it's come to that
dry your eyes
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
don't look back
