i'm all stressed about about stanzi. i know, i know, i've already said that several times. but i can't help it. she's my furbaby, my first and sweetest (shhh... don't tell strat). and there is a decision looming, despite my ferverent hope otherwise.
i knew this would be part of being a pet parent. and i know i'm repeating myself. but it's the only thing running thru my head these days. how do i do this? how do i find the strength to nurse her, and then let her go?
no, not yet, not yet, please...
and i'm being a bad pet parent. part of me doesn't want to face the situation, and i'm putting off getting her meds. i know she won't like taking them. i don't want to add any pain or discomfort. the vet thinks there's a chance that the meds will calm her stomach down and let her liver do what it needs to do. and i want to believe her, i really do.
but there was a subtext to the whole conversation. there were words on the surface, practical discussions about options, debates over possible outcomes, all undercut by the hum of 'you know what you need to do. there aren't really any options.'
not just yet, sweetie. please, please just hold on a few more days. please, i know i'm asking a lot - but please let me get to the place where i can do this for you.
and of course, because my brain is wired this way, i'm not just thinking about her. in a loopy little segue, i've started thinking about my parents. and being in just this spot with them.
my parents are in good health. ::knocks on a sequoia tree:: it's not that. it's just... oh, crap, it's just everything.
i don't even want to put my thoughts out there, because the energy that we put out there, good or bad, always comes back to us. and i can't put this out there. i'll just leave it hovering in the back of my sad little mush of a brain for now.